Learning to Live in the Maybe

On August 28, 2013 By KitKatIn Attitude, UncategorizedLeave a comment

As Stormy mentioned, summer seems like a time for a break. I got lazy in my blogging. Lazy in anything I had to do. Well, today the school bus arrived and the kids were sent off to school. Though it is in the high 90s, summer is over and a new year has begun. For some reason, I am still on a school calendar year. I never transitioned to New Year’s being the start of a new year. It has always been the end of summer that signals a new start. Which also means now is the time to get back into my routine including blogging and hectic kids schedules. It also is the time to see what the new year has ahead for me.

If I am going to be completely honest, well, as forthcoming as I will be online, I have made a bit of a mess out of my life. Let’s just say I have some cleaning up to do but no answers or clear path on how to get it done. The best way to describe it is I feel like my life is a snow globe that got shook up and right now it is still in small floating pieces. Everyone, including me, is looking in wondering what the landscape will be once the storm settles.

This means I am heading into my new year without an action plan. For a control freak like me that is a bit of a problem. I am good under pressure. Give me a problem and a goal and I can put together an action plan and go after it. Give me a lot of unknowns and I am a basket case. My head is reeling and I have never been able to just make it “stop.” Not even as a focus on a vision board. I still cringe at that word “stop.”

But, it looks like I have no choice. For awhile, I will be living in the maybe. My friend sent me that blog from The Daily Love. She had been quoting out of it for a good year. I never read any of it. Thought some of the quotes were nice. Maybe a bit too many daily affirmations.

http://youtu.be/NuGf34F0f5g

I always respected it was helping her get through some struggles, though. So this time, when she sent me a quick note the day after hearing what I was going through and thought it was time for me to relax and trust and read “Can you live in the maybe?” I decided,what the hell? Now it has become my new action plan in a land of unknowns. Granted, I have to reread it multiple times a week to remember to quiet myself down.

So, as I try to live in the unknown a bit. I have now found one new thing that helps. Yes, I embarrassingly admit my morning ritual is a walk, coffee and my Daily Love email. I also have found lots of standbys that still help and have never let me down.

Dancing
Girlfriends
A glass of wine

And, if nothing else I am learning for the first time that not everything comes instantly. (And, thank goodness for a crazy family and work life that distracts me from wanting to know the end of the story. I have great hope to make this chapter a good one and take a minute to live in the present.)

I guess this is the year of taking care of me. Learning to have patience. Damn, I am making an action plan. Better go back and read my blog again!

Simple Summer Spontaneity

On July 17, 2013 By KitKatIn Uncategorized1 Comment

Sometimes it’s the simple things that make the biggest difference. Take this summer. It has been here in Minnesota for a few weeks now. (A few weeks late, I might add.) But unlike usual, summer just hadn’t sunk in. It felt like every other day … other than I had different wardrobe options.

Usually summer frees up something in me. All the normal tasks and daily grind get lighter. I feel more carefree. It has always had a magical effect. I feel like I can get through anything as soon as I step outside. I am sure this is enhanced by spending months not seeing blue sky or sun. Summer for me is like Dorothy landing in Oz and everything is in technicolor. But this year, for some reason, summer has just been going by. Maybe it was the late start. Perhaps it’s a busier job with more responsibility. Or worse, another one of those getting older things that I keep learning about (so far none for the better). Whatever it was, summer has been slipping by me.

Last night though, I finally found the fix. I sat chatting with my neighbor as our five-year-olds played in the front yard. Nothing too unusual except it was later than I would normally call it quits. (I’m a stickler for bedtimes. I like my couple of hours a night with no children.) But, they were having such a good time we decided to fight off the mosquitoes and to deal with the crabbiness we knew would be facing us in the morning with over-tired kids.

Finally, heading in at almost 10:00, my neighbor said, “let’s not let the night end. Let’s walk to Freestyle.” I went inside to grab my wallet and my son who was reading in bed. “Get up if you want to go get yogurt!” A frozen yogurt bar with tons of indulgent toppings had recently opened up a few blocks away. The look on my sons face showing cool mom points were scored, and my husband’s eye-rolling suggesting we had sipped on too much wine, made it even more perfect of an idea. Complete spontaneity which always gives me a high. Back outside I was greeted with wine poured into snow cone cups for our walk.

Watching my usually “too cool” son pretend to race and lose with the littler girls, as we headed down, was one of those rare moments you think you did something right as a mom … sibling harmony is elusive in our house. We ran into many neighbors along the way including one of our hockey families, I hadn’t seen since the season ended. All returning from the yogurt shop. The girls loved seeing the teenagers (many of them their sitters) passing by and waving on their bikes as they were headed there to hang out.

The place was packed. I also learned that the owner was an attraction for the moms of the neighborhood. I still haven’t spotted him myself but what a great marketing ploy – create a place that draws the attention of both moms and kids.

Walking home in the dark I grabbed my son’s hand, expecting him to pull back which always happens with any sort of public affection. But instead of shaking me off, he spent the rest of the walk blabbering about baseball plays to us and holding my hand the whole time as we watched the girls giggling and running ahead of us.

It sounds simple and silly, probably pretty trivial. But, I finally had my summer kick-off moment. The “Ah Ha” moment I needed to remember to enjoy the perks of the season. A time when nothing seems quite as daunting. Where everything seems brighter. I didn’t need a special moment; I just needed to be in the moment. And it was the simplest things that brought me there.

Now, if I can just hold on to that and apply it to rest of the complicated thoughts swarming in my head.

My, what big eyes you have

On June 22, 2013April 19, 2024 By KitKatIn UncategorizedLeave a comment

My first attempt at writing of a blog was when I adopted my daughter from Korea. I saw it as a way for me to share with everyone who had been so supportive through our journey and as a journal for Chloe when she got older. I had heartfelt plans to keep it up, but once back home and in “normal routine,” life and parenting took over. It was the same as my son’s memory book that ended at age two, but now I had two kids and even less time. I was able to get one additional post done the past five years. Another example of my grand parenting aspirations replaced with just trying to be a “good enough” mom. Every once in a while I still put it on my to-do list because I know there will come a time that Chloe has questions. And with many pieces of her history missing, I want to at least provide her all the details about the past that I am part of.

Before adopting I read everything I could get my hands on about issues she might have and ideas to help her. I listened intently during all of the adoption classes. I whispered reassurances and promises in her ear on the long flight home. But, to be completely honest, once we settled in to our family I haven’t thought much about Chloe’s adoption. It is not because I don’t care. It is simply that Chloe is my daughter. There isn’t a difference to me between my two children. I don’t think of it. I love her and she can make my heart soar with her beautiful smile and hugs and also can drive me nuts two minutes later. The only difference I see is that – unlike my son – her tantrums include a really high pitched screech.

You may wonder how I cannot be faced with it every day – she is Korean and I am not. It is hard to explain but I look at Chloe more than myself. Like my son, I see myself reflected in her. She just looks like my daughter and like our family. When I get asked questions about where she is from or glances, it takes me a minute to register how they know. And, until now her only question has been “why does bubba (her name for her brother) look different then rest of us?” His “yellow” hair sets him apart from the rest of our dark hair.

The one thing I do notice about Chloe’s looks is that she is stunningly pretty (at least to her mom). I make a point to discuss all her other assets and the things she is good at so not everything is focused on her looks.

Well, the other night she surprised us. In a very sad voice she announced, “My eyes are littler than everyone else’s.” As stunned as I was, all the things I had read about and my own “mom sense” had me ready to help her though this and discuss anything she wanted. The problem is she is five. So as I began talking, I was interrupted with another important question, “When can I have real pixie dust so I can fly?” This was a harder question for me and a much bigger issue for her. This is the third morning I have been woken with “can I have real pixie dust for my birthday?”

In a few weeks, Chloe has her first week of Korean camp which I hope will be the start of a lot of information and prompt open discussions. Now if anyone can just help me with where to get pixie dust. Adoption I am ready to tackle with all honesty and full disclosure, but her imagination I want to keep intact as long as possible.

Worst End of School Year Mom Ever

On June 6, 2013June 8, 2013 By KitKatIn Blogging, Children1 Comment

Following in Stormy’s footsteps, I would like to share my most recent, favorite blog post: Worst End of School Year Mom Ever.

Besides for providing a good laugh, it also reminded me I wasn’t alone. If you remember things came tumbling down for me back in March.

And as my kids start their summer vacation, I am packing my bag for a girls get away in New York. Four days and ten pairs of shoes packed!

Chick Click

On May 28, 2013 By KitKatIn Girlfriends, UncategorizedLeave a comment

I am lucky to have an incredible group of girlfriends. I think most women would say that. But, I know I’m a bit nuts and my girlfriends are there for me through thick and thin. Actually, they all have their own bit of crazy which makes them that much more amazing. I couldn’t imagine getting through the ups, downs or mundane times in life without them. And, because this is the one area of my life in which I’m completely satisfied, I never question if it could be better or try to look for ways to change it.

It isn’t that I don’t like meeting new people or see value in expanding my circle. I am just busy and there is never enough time to enjoy the friends I already have. (Granted, I can’t ever imagine saying there is enough time with them. Yet, my husband’s opinion may be that they get the vast majority of my time.) So, I do not seek to make new, close friendships. Though, I enjoy making new acquaintances. Like all things, though, sometimes you can’t control what happens.

Once in awhile, I just run into someone, and it is an instantaneous “chick click.” These are women that I have an immediate draw toward (almost a magnetic pull). One of my friends calls it my “girl crush.” Usually, they are chance meetings in random places:

A yoga teacher I met at a Power Plate class (after a tequila happy hour, our bond was sealed)
A neighbor I never met ringing our doorbell on Halloween night (an offer of wine for her treat was all it took)
A woman I met in Korea while we were both adopting, and we met up for a few drinks in a hotel bar prior to meeting our children (and ending with her knocking on the Eastern Orphanage windows to get back in past curfew)

Please note: I realize all of these also have a drink or two involved, but isn’t that where most good stories start?

Each of these are women I instantly bonded with. The draw came before the drinks. My crazy could feel their crazy. And I mean no offense to them by crazy. As my yoga friend would say—embrace your crazy. These bonds for me come from the women who on the outside are so put together and shock you when they say they don’t have their shit together. I love them because they admit it. Nothing endears someone to me quite like admitting a bit of crazy. These are the girlfriends where it is no holds barred on being silly, sharing, laughing, and getting you through life.

The other night I met another one. (I need more time—or less work.) We had a dinner party. My “trick-or-treat” girlfriend brought another couple. Drinks around the table. Good food. More drinks. Tons of laughs. My neighbor had to leave early, since she was flying out for work the next day. Pretty soon husbands tire out and my “new” friend and I decide to keep going. This is when the bond is sealed. We stay up sharing, talking till … who knows, but way longer than we should. Mixed within our conversations were a lot of, “wow, I like you a lot!” and making of future plans.

Will we get to all these plans? Probably not. But even after only a few hours of sleep (with kids raring to go), I wake up with a big smile and I ride the high all day. It’s like a great first date that went too far. Except no regrets after!

Unlike a first date, I know I will see her again and she liked me too. Neither of us will worry if we don’t connect for awhile (wondering what it means or what we did wrong). And, when we get back together, there will be no problem picking right back up.

I love times when I forget I am anything but me (not a wife, employee, boss, mother, daughter). Just fully enjoying the moment and living completely in the present. That is where my girlfriends bring me. So to all my girlfriends, thank you—you have no idea all you get me through and the pure joy you add to my life. Yes—I would choose you over my wine! XOXO

Lazy parenting tip

On May 14, 2013May 19, 2013 By KitKatIn Children, Uncategorized2 Comments

Sometimes after a long day at work, one of the worst commands I can hear is, “Play with me.” Worse yet, it is often self-inflicted from having snapped about no more electronics or instructed them to go find something to do. To balance my guilt from not seeing my children enough with my exhaustion of work and family schedules, I have become a master at creating lazy parenting “family fun times.”

Tonight’s newly discovered lazy parenting tip: Balloon Challenge

This game is great if you have a few balloons handy. All you need to do is pour yourself a drink and plop down in your favorite spot. Once comfortable, then challenge your kids to keep a balloon in the air. If it touches the ground they get a point. Kids can move and run around. Parents can’t get up (best rule of the game).

If it seems like you’re losing momentum and you still haven’t finished the magazine you’re flipping through (yes, you can play, drink, talk to your spouse and comb through a magazine all at the same time), simply add more balloons. How many can they keep up at a time? Not only does this game keep my kids happy, it lets me interact with the kids and be lazy all at the same time.

Some may be shaking their heads, sad at the fact I am not enjoying every precious moment with my children. Perhaps someday, I will look back with regret, nostalgic for the days of young children. But while in the midst of it, there is an unending amount of moments, so if I can grab a few for myself all the better. Plus, I figure it’s better than setting the clock ahead and pretending it’s bedtime.

The best testament to this lazy parenting tip: My kids went to sleep tonight talking about our fun family night and asking when we can play again. I like finding ways to be considered an awesome mom without much effort!

The longest winter ever

On May 1, 2013 By KitKatIn Attitude, Blogging, Children, Girlfriends, Uncategorized1 Comment

I have finally seen the light! If you read Stormy’s post on winter in Minnesota, you will have an idea of how long we wait each year to see the sun break up months of grey. This year has been an especially brutally long winter as it trailed into April and just kept nailing us with more snow. This extra month has had a negative impact on everyone. It was as if we all almost gave up hope. My daughter, the optimist, seemed to be the only one holding out as she would walk out of the house each day, look surpised and sigh, “oh no, there is still snow.”

I thought I was getting through it admirably. Biting my tongue and telling the kids how fun it is to be able to make snowmen in April … trying to be a Pollyanna, which is not my forte. But, I knew I needed to fight the anger and resentment brewing inside me. Everything was bugging me more than normal. Plus, the long dry winter was having ill effects on my looks and this was not a mood helper. My husband finally asked, “are you okay … are we?” I snapped at him that I wouldn’t know anything till I could actually see the sun. And that if it didn’t come soon, I may just head for the airport instead of home one night and send him a postcard from my tropical get-away.

Well this weekend the temperatures jumped. In fact they doubled and hit the ’70s and ’80s overnight. At first it was almost like waking up on vacation. You barely recognized the place. Everyone had on smiles. All the neighbors came out. Restaurants opened their patios for dining. People multiplied on the streets and around the lakes. No one complained about the crowds because we were all so happy to be out of hibernation. All concerns took a backseat to enjoying the moment. I even started to look better instantly. It was a sunny miracle!

You could even see the positive effect the sun had on kids. I might go as far as to say they were a delight. They spent hours outside playing ball, bike riding, jumping on the trampoline, heading off to the park and for ice cream. Simply enjoying the freedom summer seems to bring to everyone. I didn’t do a thing that needed to get done. Cleaning, errands, grocery shopping, and bills all got pushed aside for just soaking it all in.

Instead, I spent my days doing nothing. In fact, on Sunday I spent the whole day with a girlfriend sitting on the deck, sharing too much wine, flipping through magazines, and getting fake tattoos from my daughter. It was heavenly.

I am hearing horrible rumors that we aren’t completely over with winter and temps are going to fall just as quickly as they rose, so I am making the most of it in the meantime. Today, I left the office right a 5:00 p.m. (unheard of), took a walk with Stormy, brought the kids out to play when they should have been heading to bed, and now we are going to go sit out on the deck and enjoy a nightcap.

This blog post was also on my to-do list that was pushed aside this weekend, so I did take a break from the great outdoors to get it written since I couldn’t ask Stormy to cover another turn for me for purely self-indulgent reasons. I’ll be back in a few days with a real post as I am forced back into hibernation.

I hope rest of you are doing some fabulous things to enjoy this very deserved weather.

Can you read this?

On April 17, 2013 By KitKatIn Random, Uncategorized1 Comment

You may be noticing by now that Stormy and I both have a few quirky traits. Or perhaps a long running list of them is more accurate. One that I haven’t mentioned yet is my actual list-making/note-taking methods. To keep me on task, I prefer jotting my thoughts or reminders on random scraps of paper. You can often find multiple documents torn in weird shapes spread over my desk or kitchen table. My handwriting also is considered what some call “chicken-scratch.” Even my husband, after 13 years, has never made it through a full shopping list of mine without having at least a few words for me to decipher.

I think it may be because having one organized list that looks clean and neat is too easy to ignore. It isn’t begging for attention. Random notes tossed all over are a good reminder about what needs to be attended to. If I am in a meeting and having to use a professional-looking notepad, I never write on the lines. My takeaways are jotted in all different angles across the paper. People are baffled that I can read and follow my notes. If I haven’t proven myself to be very organized, it may be a source of concern for many in my office, but it eventually turns into a constant source of amusement.

This weekend at the cabin, my girlfriend looked down at one such list on the counter while making us a Bloody Mary. Shaking her head about my writing, she challenged me to come read what I wrote. I walked over and rattled off what it said:

Planting trees
Ant Dr.
Charlie’s Angels
Hair off Barbie
Advice from Grandma
Bumping into the sign
Naked PowerPlate

Her response? First there was silence. A bit later with a grin, she mentioned “I don’t even know what to say or ask. You left me speechless.” I think she was a bit scared to know how I would explain that random list–which made perfect sense to me. See, there is a reason no one should be able to read my notes!

I’d be interested if anyone could figure out what that list was for. Come on, take a guess!

What goes up must come down: A Spring Break fairy tale

On April 3, 2013April 4, 2013 By KitKatIn Attitude, Children, Parents, UncategorizedLeave a comment

Well, I am back, and not too happy about it. As Stormy mentioned in her last post, I was off enjoying Spring Break with my family. Now usually, I would say “enjoying” a family vacation is a bit of a stretch. It usually means whiny kids out of their element, too much together time and expectations set way too high on the quality memories we would create together. Plus, family also includes my parents who we stay with in Arizona. This adds to my personal stress of keeping my children from disrupting their calm lives and of wanting to show off how great my children are turning out due to our fabulous parenting skills. (This usually is when my parents witness all of us at our worst, as I try to force the unrealistic image of a perfect family which then turns into a complete family meltdown.) Toward the end of vacation, I usually start dreaming about my escape back to work. But, this trip was different.

Perhaps my children have reached a new stage. Now they are old enough to also appreciate the difference the warmth of the sun and relaxed schedule can make to them and their parents’ mood. Nor, do they need the same strict routines to function like somewhat tolerable human beings. Or, it could be that I have

View from my thrown — View from my throne

relaxed a bit and decided if my five-year-old daughter wants to do her normal nonstop morning chatter to her grandparents, instead of me, there is no need to intervene. Instead, I took the selfish approach of picking up my book and enjoying the morning quiet. After a couple days, it became the morning routine and household joke as I stumbled through the kitchen, poured a cup of coffee, waved to all (without a word) and headed outside to my lawn chair to read. “There goes Mom again.” I’d be joined a couple hours later as the kids jumped into the pool. Which leads me to another great stage, I didn’t have to be in the pool morning till night watching the kids play. They both can swim on their own now. I could pretend to watch (with my sunglasses masking my gaze) all the “look at me” and “watch this” tricks poolside. Once in awhile I would make my appearance as the special guest jumping in and getting lots of excitement and applause for it.

Aside from a few outings, we pretty much just hung out, relaxed and enjoyed the setting. (One outing was on horseback, a favorite activity since childhood of mine that I will post about in more detail later.) I didn’t even check in at work more than filtering through emails once a day. Pretty impressive with a new website launching the day I returned. I do have to give my unplugged-from-work credit to my great and completely self-sufficient staff, who told me (and meant it) to STOP whenever I tried to check in. It was the only time I actually liked being told to “STOP” and I paid attention and took the advice to quiet my rambling thoughts. For ten days, I truly relaxed. I won’t get into full boasting of all of the luxuries and other tidbits that made this trip so perfect, but it was simply a fabulous escape from reality.

What goes up must come down. And I realized this up in the air, just before midnight on Sunday and about 30 minutes away from landing back in Minneapolis. I had planned the late return thinking the kids still had the following day off to catch up on sleep and after all of my rest, certainly one day short on sleep wouldn’t be too hard to handle in exchange for taking full advantage of my vacation time. But on that last leg of the plane ride it suddenly all hit me. Tomorrow, instead of leisurely walking outside groggy from so much inactivity, I would be running to a work in 30-degree weather after only four hours of sleep. I would be faced with issues from a website launch, a frantic pace of catching up on all that sat idle waiting for my return, and to top it off, it was my birthday. Yes, I was turning 44 up in the air and I certainly didn’t see it as a something to celebrate. As I mentioned in a previous post, I had lost an entire year and only recently realized it wasn’t my 43^rd birthday. With midnight looming, it looked like I was facing my own Cinderella story.

It was no fun realizing I was right. I kept a good face on at work but inside I was miserable. All of the things that had made me so happy had been swept up and taken away. I kept trying to be mature and told myself I was lucky to have had that time to enjoy, but the more rational I tried to become, the more irrational I felt. I wanted my fairy tale back.

It would be a shame to end the post that all was lost and it was a horrible, no good, very bad day (I loved that book as a kid!). There was a slight happy ending that I made for myself. I did what any mature working woman/overstressed mom would do. I came home, put on my pajamas, and hid in my bed with a bottle of wine. Under the birthday disguise, I claimed a free night and wanted my servant children and husband to bring me food as needed. After spending my night with hours of T.V. (all favorite shows I had recorded but never time to watch) and a few too many glasses of wine, I finally dozed off, content.

Looking at the forecast ahead, the temps are rising so hopefully my mood will follow. Onwards and upwards! I won’t give up hope on for my own happy-ever-after ending though.

I don’t want to be a grown up

On March 20, 2013 By KitKatIn Attitude, Getting older1 Comment

Texting and venting with Stormy the other day, she sent me a line that goes through my head often: “I don’t want to be a grown up!”

I believe the only people who think being a grown up is fun are those who are not grown up yet. What does being a grown up mean?

Paying bills (When there is money to pay them.)
Working – at work and/or at home (The to-do list just keeps growing in both spots.)
Setting a good example for your kids (Still working on that.)
Biting your tongue in certain situations, even if you know you are right (That’s a tough one.)
Making responsible choices (That’s boring.)
The aging process (That’s horrible and can be its own blog post.)
Giving up things you want for the sake of the greater good (e.g., I can’t run off and sell toe rings on the beach.)

That list does not sound enticing! As a kid, you get to make selfish decisions based just on your wants; you can be impulsive and not overly worry about the outcome. You have your whole life ahead of you to make bad, and fun, mistakes … and a life ahead of you to then fix them. There is plenty of time later to figure out your perfect path.

And to think how I wistfully waited forever to become a grown up. Spent much of my childhood trying to be a grown up. I remember each year seemed to take so long to pass. I couldn’t wait to be in my 20s and do what I wanted, when I wanted it – never having to ask permission. I’d picture myself in my 30s, all wise with my life perfectly figured out. Well, I am now in my 40s and still waiting on this. I don’t have complete freedom as people are dependent on me. I still often have to ask permission. And, I seem to be even further from having my life figured out. A big problem now is that the years are flying by. I actually even lost a whole year. I was certain I was 42, but with an approaching birthday, I have now been told I am about to turn 44. I seriously do not remember turning 43, and I can’t afford to skip any years at this point!

My daughter asked me the other day if I ever get tired of being big and said she was tired of being little. Oh sweetie, I sure do. I wish I could have made her understand all the things she should be enjoying right now. But, I knew it was a lost cause. It would be just another rambling of an adult not getting it. It would be that Charlie Brown teacher’s voice making no sense and just a background noise. It is not something adults, or children, can explain to each other – that wish to be exactly what you aren’t at the time. Looking at that little face, I knew we would both be totally up for some Freaky Friday action.

Now, I suppose I should end with something about why getting old is better. Instead, I want to take a different approach. I am going to make a few decisions that I simply can because I am an adult with a car to get around and a credit card to splurge in case of emergency. I am going to set the appointment to cover my grey peeking through, call my aesthetician to discuss more miracle cures for aging skin that I can sink some money into, and ask a girlfriend to meet me out for a glass of wine and laughs. I am not mature and wise, yet, so instead I’ll embrace where I currently stand and with childlike hope continue to imagine all the places my selfish self would bring me. And as I am doing all the “grown up” things I am mandated to do – I will hope I don’t forget another year!

Easier Said Than Done

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