Sleepless in Vegas

On May 8, 2014May 8, 2014 By KitKatIn UncategorizedLeave a comment

I returned from my Vegas girls trip almost a week ago, and I’m finally starting to feel like I am catching up on sleep and running on full capacity again. I have a bad tendency to maximize vacations. This means flying back home at midnight and still heading into work the next morning so as not to lose out on a minute of precious vacation time. (Pretty much how I live my life, rushing from one activity to the next.) Even with the vacation hangover, every exhausted moment I am paying for it is well worth it.

Stormy expected me to find blog inspiration in Vegas. At least she was hoping. I have been a little behind on my writing. My inspiration, and time, has run short—and it was even shorter with a vacation looming. For some reason, taking time off means working twice as hard before you leave and again once you get back. (In actuality, you don’t really get time off from work but just the same amount of work crowded into fewer days.)

So Stormy … I didn’t find any great Vegas inspiration (nor, admittedly, did I try) but I did full-heartedly enjoy it and lived in the moment for four straight days. Though, I have recovered enough to at least recap why I think Vegas is always a great vacation pick-me-up and well worth the week-long recovery (being 45 might play a part in my long recovery time, I used to bounce back quicker).

I know there are those who don’t love Vegas. For example, Stormy isn’t as sold on it as me. But I suggest you pack your bags, invite a couple of girlfriends and give it another try. If nothing else, you will be forced to live in the moment and be distracted from reality by the continual stimulation. Some of my favorite things about Sin City include:

The Sun – You don’t have to spend a full day traveling to find some much-needed sun. And once you are on your beach chair, being served your tropical drink of choice, Vegas feels as far away as a Caribbean resort. (And, if you prefer sand versus pool, you can always book Mandalay Bay.) Lounging at the Palazzo pool being served pitchers of cucumber vodka lemonades is where is where we spent our days. No matter how late we got to bed, every morning we dragged ourselves out to soak up every minute of the sun. Another surprise benefit of Vegas was that by the fourth day we were too tired from sleepless nights to walk around with our stomachs held in or analyze our body flaws highlighted in swim suits. We just lazed in the sun without a care.

Gambling – I am not a High Roller and usually allot “entertainment” money that I am willing to lose, factoring in drinks are free when you gamble. None of us had illusions of hitting it big or plans to spend too much time at the tables. But, we did all enjoy the craps table. With some lucky rolling from all of us, our “entertainment” money (including tips we earned from the actual High Rollers at the table who were benefiting from our luck) kept us rolling all night. In the casino is also where we discovered the strange passage of time in Vegas. One of us would look at our phone and realize hours had passed, that it was almost morning, and herd us all upstairs. Each day, exhausted, we would tell each other it wouldn’t happen again. Each night it did.

Adult Disneyland – Everyone is happy in Vegas. Sure, it seems a little corrupt and not the most wholesome of attractions. But how often do you gather with so many people who just let go and have fun? One night was dancing. One night was a show (if you’re not offended easily, “Absinthe” is incredible – I have never

A naughty puppet show ... — A naughty puppet show …

laughed so hard and out loud along with an entire crowd). One night was spent being tourists as we visited the dancing fountains, erupting volcanoes, and Chandelier bar. There truly is something for everyone and always something going on. You are surrounded by the best in shopping and food. I think there is even golf, if you like that sort of thing. No matter what your activity of choice is, everyone around you is also in a good mood and enjoying themselves a bit too much also.

Looking at the list above doesn’t do my trip justice. It is tough to explain just why you should go to Vegas:

So, to my lovely traveling companions: my sisters and “adopted” sister (the adoption happened on the dance floor and involved a Wild Turkey shot), I look forward to our new yearly excursion. I know a trip with the right people is incredible anywhere. But being in just the right atmosphere, Vegas, was the topping on the cake. Plus in Vegas, there seems to be more hours in the day to enjoy!

But next time, I may be willing to give up the 4:00 am nights at the crap table in lieu of just a little more sleep. I came home and had a childlike meltdown my first evening back, when I couldn’t get my daughter to prance nicely off to bed upon my request. I was dying to go to sleep myself. And as I melted down, I caught the wide-eyed stares of my children, frozen so as not to fuel the rage any more. So though I may not have found a Vegas inspiration, I did find insight into the irrational mind of a tired tantruming child. Maybe I will be more understanding the next time I keep them up late for fun and am punished for it later.

Stormy, I think you should give Las Vegas another shot!

45 Candles

On April 1, 2014May 9, 2014 By KitKatIn Attitude, Fashion/beauty, Getting older, Uncategorized3 Comments

Well, tomorrow I will be waking up as a 45-year-old. Birthdays have never gotten to me. I celebrated 30 and 40 without any dismay about the accumulating years. That is not to say getting older hasn’t hit me. The increasing wrinkles and slowing metabolism are a constant reminder of the aging process that I am none too happy about. But, it has never been a birthday that has depressed me.

This year is different. For the first time, I am experiencing the birthday blues and want to protest or divert this upcoming age transition.

I should get some credit for skipping despair of turning 40. Though I may now resort to celebrating a repeating 44th birthday.

Perhaps it is that I am approaching 50. Every day, from here on out, I am closer to 50 than 40. Fifty sounds like a whole new life. Not an age I ever imagined being. But now it is sinking in as a reality. I am crossing over the line. I have friends in their 50s. They look amazing. Actually, they look better than they did in their 40s. But I am not ready to join them.

This birthday also means I have officially hit midlife. (I figure I will live past 80, looking at the women in my family, but don’t expect to see 100.)

Or maybe it is the combination of mood swings and hot flashes that have been a preview to what is in store. It’s an uphill battle from here on out. Good genes can only carry me so far. In an effort to take some control, I have taken a few preemptive strikes. Similar to Stormy, I am very good finding reasons (sometimes farfetched) to pay for services that make my life, and looks, better.

Covering the grey hair has been part of the age-fighting routine for years, although now the timeframe has narrowed from every six weeks to four. Though, a fresh hair color was not going to carry me through this birthday. When I was getting my hair done, my gorgeous 49 year–old stylist told me she liked me without makeup. I looked younger, fresher. Hmmm … it got me thinking. I always wanted to try “mink” eyelashes. And what better reason than a birthday—I would experience time savings in getting ready, less stress on my eyes if not applying makeup, saved makeup costs, and a new look. Plus, I had been complaining that my eyelashes were thinning out and breaking (a common complaint this year that I also attributed to aging). A week later my masterful rationalization has me donning new, lushes lashes with only a hint of blush and lip gloss: A natural look. (Okay, a fake natural look, bought and paid for.)

I did add some “natural” help, all shoved into a few weeks ago as I realized 45 was getting close. Microdermabrasion treatments to brighten up my skin (no needles were involved, so I count it as natural) and waking up at 5:30 to add a 20-minute Jillian work-out to my other routines. She promised it would change me in only 30 days!

I think the toughest thing is time is going so fast. It seems to be speeding up.

40 years ago with my sister and mom. Same bangs though!

Sitting at the kids table at Thanksgiving, I used to wonder when I would feel like an adult. I remember thinking 30 was so old and now it seems so young. My mind still feels like that same little girl. I still have a lot I want to do and experience. I am not ready settle.

Yes, I know that aging graciously is the way to go. I am just not ready for it. And, if I have to distract myself from all the other issues of aging with a silly focus on looks, so be it. Right now, I will focus on the shiny object.

I will also spend my first day after turning 45—first day closer to 50 than 40—with Stormy for a birthday drink. We can catch up (we both have been crazily busy at work) and perhaps the bartender will buy me a drink after hearing I am turning 44 … again!

Did you think I would end this post by coming around to accepting my age and being thankful for all the wonderful things about aging and all the things I am grateful for? 🙂

A quick fix for the winter blahs

On March 4, 2014 By KitKatIn UncategorizedLeave a comment

As Stormy and I have referenced numerous times, it has been a tough winter. I have been working hard to keep up a positive attitude but my strength is frozen out of me. It is hard to be positive about anything in subzero temperatures. So in addition to being sick of the cold, I am getting sick of my own attitude.

Today, I got a text at work that my nanny couldn’t meet the kids after school. And like everything else lately, it threw me into a mood. With too much to do on my desk and now even less time to do it, I decided to just pack it up right away and try to work from home. In my haste, I forgot my gloves. This meant an even colder drive home while providing my mind more ammunition about how nothing is going right as my fingertips turned white.

I thought I might lose it. I wanted to park and cry. Or head to the airport to get on on a plane. I felt my eyes well up … and at that same moment, I saw Bachman’s, a local flower and garden store. I took a sharp left into the lot.

Walking in the door I was surrounded by intense colors and scents. I am not a gardener nor into flowers normally. I could name only the most common. But it was an incredible sensation leaving the white, frigid outside for this warm floral haven. It was like a drug. An instant mood lifter. I am sure some of the other shoppers thought I was a bit “off.” Wandering circles in one small area, wearing a smile and inhaling deeply. The warmth and reminders of spring refueled me. It was lifting me out of the helpless despair I had been feeling myself sinking into.

With time running short but not ready to give up this new fix. I bought myself flowers. I even said yes when they asked if I needed them wrapped as a gift. Why shouldn’t I present myself with flowers as they should be given.

Getting flowers from myself felt as good as, if not better than, receiving them from anyone else. I certainly owed myself something nice after all the abuse I have been giving myself lately. (In addition to affecting your mood, winter isn’t great on the looks either.) With still some time before chaos arrived home, I poured a glass of wine and opened up a spring fashion magazine and sat in front of my flowers.

Finding a little spring, seeing some beauty, feeling some hope and doing something for myself was all it took. A quick fix to a long winter. Maybe next week I should send myself flowers to work.

Stormy interviews KitKat…

On February 26, 2014 By StormyIn UncategorizedLeave a comment

It’s KitKat’s turn to write a blog post, but she’s been felled by a bad cold lately and I suspect her Muse has abandoned her in pursuit of a chaise lounge on some distant beach. Therefore, to jumpstart the writing process–and inspire happier thoughts–I’m going to interview KitKat for this week’s post…

KitKat, what is the biggest splurge you’ve bought for yourself?

Shoes! Shoes … boots, sandals, etc. … have always been my thing. I can’t pick a pair where it was a bigger splurge than others. But anytime I treat myself to something extra special or just can’t resist the temptation, it seems to be in a shoe store. They make me happy.

I have talked myself into a shoe splurge for many reasons: I can rationalize needing them for a special event. Or, though they are expensive, it is a pair I can get lots of use of. I don’t have the exact same color or style. Or, I have a similar color or style and love them, so I need another. I am on a trip and may never see a pair like them again. I deserve a reward for finishing a tough project. I need a pick-me-up when things aren’t going well.

It sounds a little pathetic to admit, but shoes make me feel good. I can spend hours in a nice shoe store. I enjoy the entire experience of browsing, admiring shapes and special touches, and trying them on (even when I don’t make a purchase). Plus, I have never regretted a pair I bought. There are only a few rare things in life that prove to be such a constant source of joy and passion.

My dream job would be to own a beautiful shoe boutique. It would be shoes that are for a splurge, not a necessity purchase. A place to come and spoil yourself, because we all need and deserve it sometimes.

I feel like shopping – it has been a horrible winter and I need a pick me up!

What’s the nicest compliment you’ve ever received…and why did it mean so much to you?

That is a tough one. Though I like compliments, I am horrible at getting them. I never feel like I deserve them. But on the flip side, they mean so much to me since I don’t give them to myself.

One I remember distinctly was when I visited my dad and stepmother in Colorado. My son was young, probably two or three. He has always been a handful, and I never felt like a natural at parenting. (I still often feel like I am pretending to be an adult capable of raising children.) During that trip, we visited one of their friends. As we were leaving, they told me that I was a really good mom. I don’t know why it struck me intensely, but I remember it bringing me to tears for the next few days thinking about those kind words from a virtual stranger. Parenting is such an overwhelming job with so many unknowns. It just felt good to hear I was doing okay at it.

See?, There is an example of my compliment taking – turning “good” into “okay.”

What one thing do you hope to teach your son about how to treat women?

Right now, I am working hard to teach my son about his own self image and liking himself—things I expected to be going through when my daughter hit her teens. I didn’t know boys struggled with many of the same things. And, it’s so much harder for them to express it. It just isn’t as acceptable or talked about.

In respect to how to treat girls, I would love to instill that perfect mix of doing all the gentlemanly polite things but respecting them as equals. I know many people don’t think the two mix. I do. I love being treated like a girl, but knowing my thoughts and ideas are respected and wanted. I can have a door held open for me as I walk into a meeting, yet still argue my point and be heard right along with the “boys” at the same meeting. I would like him to understand that delicate balance.

Looking not quite so far ahead and knowing what teenage girls go though and sometimes do to be liked, I would like to ensure he is sensitive about how girls feel and not take advantage of that. To be responsible and kind. Yikes! It’s a little freaky thinking that he is anywhere near an age where this will become a possible issue.

What one thing do you hope to teach your daughter?

At age six there is plenty of self love and admiration!

To love herself. (That is really it for both my kids.) To feel secure and proud in who she is. To take care of herself first. Try new things , take risks and not to limit herself. To feel pretty, but know there is so much more than that to be proud of. To know she doesn’t have to be perfect. It is impossible. To know that she is still loved with any and all imperfections. Forgive herself when needed. Is all of that too much to hope for?

And to surround herself with good friends and to be one. Girlfriends can help you get through anything.

What are you looking forward to in the next month?

After breaking records in cold, snowstorms and school closings, I am looking forward to a Spring Break escape to Arizona. (Followed by a girls trip to Las Vegas the following month.) It makes me smile and I can hold on to some sanity when I think of seeing and feeling the sun again. Knowing that I’ll soon be sitting in my Arizona chair (or throne as I like to call it) is all that is holding me back from going to a tanning bed just to feel some warmth on my skin, no matter what the danger.

If you could go back in time and give your 20-year-old self some advice, what would it be?

First, I would tell her to start enjoying that 20-year old body! Give her a few insights as to what happens when you double that age. It’s hard to think about all the years I spent picking apart my looks and shape, which were both actually pretty damn good in hindsight.

I’d also tell her to keep living life. She was a risk taker. She did some stupid things, but she was full of experiences. I wouldn’t want to stop her from even some of her worst mistakes because she provided me with a lot of unique memories and some important lessons. I will be able to shock my grandchildren some day with stories from my 20-year-old self.

I might even ask her to add a few more crazy experiences to her list.

If your 20-year-old self could visit you now, what would she be impressed by?

My 20-year old self would be glad to know I am still making time for friends, fun - and slots. — My 20-year old self would be glad to know I am still making time for friends, fun – and slots.

That I am holding down a job and actually pretty successful at it. I don’t think she thought of herself as someone who would climb the corporate ladder. Especially becoming someone who would lead others. Being smart was not how she defined herself. I think she’d be impressed and proud of that trait developing, while still recognizing her quirky self. She’d like realizing others recognize and like the whole package too.

Shake it up

On February 3, 2014 By KitKatIn UncategorizedLeave a comment

Well, the last time I wrote my blog it was with kids running around on holiday vacation. This time I have an entire hockey team of 10-year-old boys “watching” the Super Bowl at my house. From the noise I hear, I am not sure how much watching is actually going on. But with the reward of a hug and “you’re a cool mom” when I surprised my son with the invite I sent, it is worth it (or so I tell myself at half time).

January has been an interesting month. The last week of the month is the only full week we have had of our normally scheduled life. School has actually been cancelled five days due to cold. (Prior to this, our school hadn’t had a snow day in 15 years.) This has caused a lot of interruption and forced flexibility into my routine. A routine I count on to get everything done.

So instead, I have gotten through the month by stumbling along with a lot of apologies for missed deadlines, cancelled appointments and not being full-time anywhere. I actually wrote a thank you to my boss for putting up with my constant absences. Between holidays, weather and an out-of-town hockey tournament, it was six weeks of barely working. Her response was short and simple, “I was a working mom for 22 years.” With her youngest just heading to college, she is telling me she actually misses the chaos and balancing act.

You would think I would enjoy some shorter work weeks. But what it really meant was adding full-time job with full-time caretaker. If you are one of the moms in this freezing state with school-age kids, you know how I feel. It doesn’t matter what your job is … at home or at an office … kids who were just off for two weeks for winter break now being given random days off due to cold temps throws off your schedule. You come to count on those hours when they are in school. Instead six more hours of responsibility is added onto your already overly hectic day.

Every time another closing was announced, kids would cheer and moms would start texting for trades. Kids cooped up too much with no routine and parents running out of vacation days and patience were not a good mix. Add to that, my major winter blahs and work piling up, I wasn’t sure how to dig myself out.

As one girlfriend always says … shake it up.

Well I have been shaken up by recent circumstances (namely weather) and now let’s add a few kids and a party. When a few of the moms said I was nuts for hosting a SuperBowl bash (especially learning that I would be alone with the boys because my husband had his own party plans), I realized it didn’t phase me at all. Totally unplanned and unprepared. And it felt great. I know, it seems silly that a spur-of-the-moment kids party would do it. But underneath all the responsibility and expectations, this is me … or at least used to be me. Those random moments and spontaneous things are what make me light up. Having my routine shaken up just loosened up my tight control, and so what if everything isn’t perfect?

So at this moment, I am enjoying the moment. Instead of tackling all my projects that have piled up, I have the Super Bowl turned on, a glass of wine in my hand and I’m enjoying the sounds of too many boys crammed into my basement. I am even feeling a bit of nostalgia thinking that soon these boys–enjoying “a party,” feeling cool and grown up–are actually getting older. (Yes, Stormy’s last post may have gotten to me a bit, as I often wish my kids would hurry up and grow up.)

As long as there are no more days off, I think I can now look back pleasantly and think about how this past crazy month shook me up again. It gave me the chance to experience some time that I could never have planned for (nor would want to). Although I am looking forward to a February with school intact.

By the way, a boring Super Bowl makes for a loud home. All attention to the game is lost and has now shifted to a knee hockey tournament. You let me down, Broncos!

Looking for some luck

On January 12, 2014January 14, 2014 By KitKatIn Attitude, Children, RandomLeave a comment

Unlike Stormy, resolutions are not something I ever have prepared as the New Year rolls in. Usually, it isn’t until the vision board party is planned that it even crosses my mind. And still then, actually thinking through my resolutions doesn’t usually start until I am driving to the party … heart racing as I search for an idea meaningful enough for the year.

Don’t get me wrong. There is more than enough for me to work on, hope for and aspire to. It is just that resolution picking, narrowing it all down to a few key items, is hard. Watch me freeze every New Year’s Eve night when I am asked. The vision board collage gives me the room to wander through a web of topics, specific goals, broad themes, and—sometimes—contradictory thoughts. It works more like my mind.

The beginning of this year has forced a few resolutions to already start unfolding in my mind, prior to the party (which is still in the stage of figuring out a date that works in a group of busy calendars).

One came from an article I read. If you’re feeling overwhelmed, just do one simple thing to check it off your list. It breaks the “too much to do anyway freeze” and gives you a sense of accomplishment. Now the lists littering my house and office also have the simple tasks added. It seems to work. Even being able to cross off things such as “schedule the doctor appointment” or “add a post to the company Linked In page,” reminds me how good it feels to cross something off and gives me the momentum to get started on the bigger items.

Along with that specific goal or plan, a broader theme is also circling in my mind: Find my luck again. So far this year has rolled in with a lot of hits. The car saga has continued—no clean slate for me. Lack of sleep due to my son’s painful tooth infection that we can’t get under control—which always seems to magnify on the weekend when the dentist office is closed! A broken dryer, which has meant multiple Laundromat trips as we wait two weeks for the new one. Followed by the washer breaking down the same day the new dryer is delivered. The list goes on. I definitely need to find a lucky charm. Or make my own luck. Which is easier said than done.

But taking note of Stormy’s resolutions, I can make my own happy. Such as enjoying the cuddling of a ten-year-old boy, who if not in pain would not allow so much mom mush. Appreciating the magic a six-year-old girl brings to the Laundromat by seeing it as a wonderful adventure.

Plus you never know where some of these smaller struggles will lead.

So until I can see the big picture of some of these struggles, I will try to find, or make, some smaller moments. So Happy New Year’s, readers—I wish us all a great year, strength in our struggles, and special moments … many shared with great friends and good wine.

P.S. I actually might have just gotten some luck. Having actual printed photos for my children was another item I planned to start this year. (I still love looking through my parents and grandparents’ photos.) Shark Tank was playing in the background as I wrote this, and I just downloaded the GrooveBook app that was featured. Could this actually be a simple way to take care of that big item? Ill let you know how it goes!

No more green bean episodes

On December 25, 2013 By KitKatIn UncategorizedLeave a comment

Unlike Stormy, I do let the holidays get to me a bit. “A bit” may an understatement. As the holidays rolled in, I was reminded not to have another green bean episode this year. An episode that spiraled when, after careful planning to avoid the holiday grocery lines on Dec 23, I came home to my family eating the green beans needed for a dish I was bringing on Christmas Eve. Yes, it sounds crazy that I lost it over green beans. But really, when have they ever chosen to eat green beans?! Plus, it was perfectly timed for when I needed somewhere to let my tension explode. I had found my target. Hence, the green bean episode.

This holiday season started like all others. Around September, my mind starts thinking about the holidays. I start keeping my eye out for the perfect gifts. This year, the Centennial Lakes Art Fair that I attended with Stormy was the place I purchased my favorite gift during one of our needed friend-therapy sessions. (We both are great multi-taskers.) As the months go by and not all gifts are as perfectly stumbled upon, I start to feel the tension building.

Being self-aware and remembering my past holiday stress tantrums, I have tried to do a couple of things to avoid becoming a Christmas freak show.

My first step was to stop sending holiday cards. It was always pushed to the end of my list. I never had my contacts organized, so I always ended up addressing my cards late at night with a pile of envelope scraps (from past senders) with no joy involved. Plus, when I did do cards, I had the self-created pressure that as marketing professional I was expected to have a really cool card. Enough years later, I am completely comfortable with the fact that anything I do at work is not something I enjoy doing in my leisure time. Everyone else can enjoy those fun, creative projects.

With that said, I love getting holiday cards. So thank you to those who still send me one without getting one in return! Every year, I think that is going back on the list next year. Just in a more efficient way.

Seriously, we get a lot done! Music and dancing helps get our minds thinking.

I have also added a shopping weekend with my girlfriend to alleviate some of the stress. The sell of this weekend to our husbands is we agree to do all of the shopping and organizing if we can get away for a kid-free, responsibility-free weekend. A shopping staycation.

Online shopping has greatly improved the quality of this weekend.

Usually I am calm and feeling organized up until this point, the week leading up to Christmas Day. I wrap presents each night as I count down. As long as nothing tumbles, I think I am stress-free. The problem is something always tumbles. Or possibly, I just don’t acknowledge the building stress ’til this final countdown. If I am being honest, the wrong look at a present I chose, a missing ingredient, or the tape running out as I wrap presents could each set me off.

This year though, Stormy’s blog came at just the right time. I read it as I was wrapping presents and looking ahead to some time off. The Holiday Break division of labor. Each of us taking a week off to cover for the kids at home. My shift was pre-holidays, including the extra Friday the school threw in in addition to the other two weeks off! I decided to heed Stormy’s advice and cancel the list of pre-Christmas plans I had made to make the most of my time off.

Instead, I spent four days in my pajamas. I wrapped presents watching The Vampire Diaries in the middle of the day while my kids played too many electronics. None of us had rules. It is the most relaxed I have been. My daughter brushed my hair while I had a glass of wine and played on the iPad, telling me she’d miss me when I had to work again. My 10-year old son let me tuck him in and show him how I used to stroke his face as a baby until he fell asleep. I actually enjoyed doing a lot of nothing and was rewarded for it. The only thing I did was load the dishwasher quickly before my husband got home each night to prove a long-term point.

Well, I made it through without an episode! I keep surprising myself by discovering all of the things a person can make it through, especially with the advice and support of friends.

So to all my wonderful girlfriends: Thank you. Thank you all for getting me through the year and filling it with not only support but fun and laughter. Those who reached out when I haven’t talked to them forever, but wanted me to know they were there; to my walking partner who has been a perfectly timed gift and will be my friend even when not in need; my amazing “mom” friends who make me feel sane and have become my own friends with or without kid connections; my amazing sisters; and my few soul mates–you know who you are.

I can’t wait to see what next year brings us all.

Just Breathe

On December 1, 2013December 2, 2013 By KitKatIn Attitude, Health/fitness, UncategorizedLeave a comment

True to form, it is about a month away from the end of the year and I finally decide to check out my progress on accomplishing my vision board. Not exactly true to the philosophy behind it, but that’s exactly the way I work: Procrastinate and then excel in crisis mode.

KitKat's vision for 2013 — KitKat’s vision for 2013

Overall, I was pleasantly surprised how well I had done … maybe there is something to this envisioning. My board’s subliminal messages seemed to have seeped into my life. In fact, I didn’t even remember having “Needing Las Vegas” on it and I just booked a girls trip to Vegas. Check!

On the downside, I didn’t quite create the ass and stomach I envisioned. And, even with my talent of getting shit done when the pressure’s on, at age 44 that goal is going to take time and work. If I wanted to be realistic, perhaps it is a vision that might not be attainable past the age of 30. But I refuse to give up on all of my dreams just yet.

Well, back to the board … one thing that seemed like a big miss and easy to do was yoga. I used to be a die hard. I loved how it made me look, how I felt and what could do. It’s why I put it on my board, yet 11 months later I still have not reinvested myself.

This I know I could do. And, it is probably the perfect time for it. Between being insanely busy at work, the holidays, and my “hockey mom” role starting up again, I could use some “me time.” Add on having had two cars totaled in the past two months (one just a few days ago and thankfully escaping with only bruises and repeat car shopping torture), I obviously need some focus. Plus with the weather turning cold, the thought of escape to a heated room has its own appeal.

So the past few weeks I have been spending a lot of time at yoga. It is addicting. One hour of sweating and contorting into poses I almost forgot my body could do is my new release. I also forgot how wonderful it was to have someone reminding me to breathe. Seems like that should be natural, but for me it’s like I have been holding my breath ’til I walk into that room and then I can finally let go.

Also as a competitive girl, even with myself, I was impressed with how quickly it all came back. My body could contort into ways I had forgotten. My mind is so quiet when I am challenging myself into poses. This may sound simple. Especially if you’re a true yogi, since isn’t yoga about a quiet mind and focus? But for me it doesn’t happen. My racing mind only quiets when my body is pushed into an extreme. And even then just for a moment. Once I accomplish the challenge my mind starts congratulating myself. Next I start thinking about what else I could do that I haven’t tried and should add to my list … and the race goes on. No I will never become a true yogi. It just is not natural to my nature. As much as I wish it was.

Then there is also the added benefit of focused time at the end of each class to get my list organized in my head. This is supposed to be the time to completely quiet my mind and let all go. My best move during savasana was realizing that’s impossible and to stop fighting it. (The more I am told to relax, the worse it is.) Instead, I embrace the chance to lay in a lovely position with no other demands on me except sorting out the list in my head. I have no problem twisting that into reasoning that I am following the advice given to me each class: It is your own practice and do what your body feels. Listen to yourself.

By the way, why is breathing so hard? … Or is it just me?

The Case of the Missing Socks

On November 4, 2013November 6, 2013 By KitKatIn Uncategorized1 Comment

I’m not sure how to explain to family and friends that I may need to get a divorce over socks … well the lack thereof. My husband and I have worked through some big challenges in our thirteen years of marriage but the socks have sent me over the edge. Actually, perhaps murder with sock suffocation is another option to consider. I would get more sympathy as a widow.

I am sure I sound ridiculous, but let me try to explain. Or, if nothing else, get it out. Even at the risk of seeming idiotic.

It was Halloween night. My husband and I are joining friends in their neighborhood to take the kids trick-or-treating. I’m picked up by my husband with kids in tow. (Presumably dressed in the costumes I carefully laid out before I left home that morning.) Arriving at our friends’ house, my son jumps out and runs to meet his friends. I go around the car to let me five-year old out. As soon as I open the door, I look down and ask, ”Why does she not have socks and why is she wearing Crocs?”

Note: Boots and socks in costume dress rehearsal

Ok, admittedly I may have said it a bit harshly. I am not known for hiding my facial expressions or watching my tones when I’m mad or in disagreement. But, at this critical juncture there were two ways this conversation could go. My husband could suck it up and say something along the lines of “Shit, sorry I totally missed that with all the running around, do you think we could borrow socks?” This approach would have kicked me into my just-take-care-of-it mode. He would have to be the brunt of a few jokes throughout the evening, but this approach would have pretty much squelched my temper. But, instead he took his other approach: The defensive one. “You have to be kidding me, are you seriously mad at me?” Then, as he kept trying to turn the tables, I actually heard him say in an annoyed voice, “It was hectic.”

Hectic????? Let’s revisit my past three days.

Between work and sleep, the past three evenings included:

Gymnastics, sax lessons, and two days of hockey tryouts. (Yes this was in three evenings.)
Searching for a costume for a ten-year-old who, last minute, decided to dress up. Not an easy task at picked-over stores with a picky son scouring for something funny to wear (funny, yet not embarrassing).
Picking up assigned pumpkin sugar cookies for the school party (which required me going to three stores to secure).

I was actually quite proud of all I accomplished without a meltdown or taking my stress out on innocent family members. That morning, I left for work with all costumes laid on the table and notes for my sitter and husband with explicit instructions of what was to take place after school until party arrival. (Granted, I did not add “make sure she wears the socks and boots laid out with her costume” a point which I did sarcastically apologize for at some point in the argument.)

So, back to the scene at the car with my daughter and husband. In Minnesota it is pretty critical that you are not barefoot with sandals at the end of October. (In fact, it’s snowing as I type this.) Especially at night when you’re running from house-to-house for hours. So in answer to his question about if I was seriously mad, I shot him “the look” (proving I was angry at him), which then kicked his defensive tactics in stronger. “How would I know I’m supposed to check her feet?”

With my head spinning in anger, I stopped talking (which made all parties know I had hit crazily mad levels). And breaking the silence were more defensive statements, including his favorite three:

“Really, what did I do?”
“Are you crazy?”
“I guess I can’t do anything right.”

These are his top infuriating plays. This was when I sent my daughter in the house with my husband and drove away.

Now, I know I sound crazy, but I must get some credit for driving away versus acting on all the violent actions running through my mind. I could have inspired a great horror movie with a sole male victim. Instead I had a lovely drive imagining how easy life would be now that I had no one to take care of and I could go sell my toe rings on the beach.

Thank God for a good friend who knew just the right amount of time to let me go, and who then texted me to come back (letting me know my husband was out trick-or-treating with the kids) and who waited without judgment and with wine. She brought me back to reality, so I didn’t miss all of the Halloween I had worked so hard to prepare for. Plus, I couldn’t desert my kids—otherwise, they’d be running around with no socks all winter!

I enjoyed the party, my husband and I politely ignored each other, and I underscored my point by sleeping on the couch without another word said. Which seemed to get him a good night’s sleep while only leaving me with a restless night and a sore back.

The next morning went back to normal, because we are forced to coexist and function in our chaos—running around getting breakfast prepared, kids ready for school and both of us off to work. I did get a text later, “Let’s just forget it ever happened, no need to apologize.” My blood started to boil again but I was able to restrain myself by sharing the sock story with my sympathetic female coworkers who all had similar stories to share.

There was never an apology, but I did come home from work to him preparing dinner and having already picked up the house. I know the next few days will be full of his silent make-up gestures that I will take full advantage of. As he handed me the drink he had waiting for me after work, I got the last word on the subject:

“I am blogging about you.” I calmly stated and walked away.

A Moment of Bliss

On September 21, 2013 By KitKatIn Attitude, Uncategorized1 Comment

As I mentioned in my last blog, there are a lot of unknowns in my life right now. I am working on “living in the maybe” and also rebuilding me. The two knowns I have are that I want to be happy and I want to be the best mom I can be. (Not a perfect mom – I totally embrace my children will learn a lot from my not-so-perfect ways. At least I certainly hope so!)

One thing I have learned about myself is when I am trying to be calm and going with the flow in one area, that restless energy inside me still comes out elsewhere. No matter how many walks, Daily Love Blogs, yoga, and introspective books I throw myself into … there is part of me I can’t change. I am not a great relaxer. Thus far, it has seemed to work to my benefit. The reallocation of energy has shown up in some great new ideas at work, led to better organization of my house and our schedules (though the kids aren’t as keen on mom’s new thoughts for “healthy” routines), and has even allowed me to knock a few thing off my my vision board. So not controlling one area hasn’t slowed me down but has actually given me more energy to refocus in other places. Though, I still strive to find a way to truly take a break from it all. A chance to take care of just me. Strangely, with all the searching, a true break hit me in an unusual and unplanned way.

Lunchtime for me is usually comprised of one of three scenarios: Eating at my desk to cram in one more project, a mid-day work out, or a list of errands that I need to knock off. Today was the last one, which included a quick run home. It was planned to be such a quick trip that I even left my phone in the car (and with it all the work emails I often answer as I am on the PowerPlate or speeding through Target grabbing supplies for last-minute homework projects). But what I found when I walked through the door surprised me.

It was quiet. I was alone. It was peaceful. I didn’t want to leave. Why not at least make a quick lunch? Then I decided, why not pour a glass of wine, too? There are no words to explain how it felt to sit in my house in middle of a weekday. Not working or checking emails. No one telling me long detailed recaps about the last episode of “Jake and the Neverland Pirates.” No one bartering who does which of this weeks to-dos and chauffeuring needs. It was just me, in my own house, in the middle of a weekday. I have no idea when the last time was that I experienced that. My mind was as quiet as my house. I was just enjoying my wine, food and the moment. I was completely present.

I wish I could schedule those times or recreate it again. But I think they just happen. I am not sure if they are truly few and far between or perhaps I haven’t stopped to notice them. I hope for everyone that they find a pure selfish moment in what might seem like a mundane scenario to others. It was perfect.

So Stormy, this may be one of my broken windows needing fixing.

Easier Said Than Done

Tag: kitkat