Category: Work/careers

The Case for a General Strike

On By StormyIn Money, Politics, Work/careersLeave a comment

Yesterday I participated in a Zoom meeting with a thousand other concerned citizens and our two Democratic senators. I am proud to live in blue Minnesota, home of Tim Walz (the man so many wish was our VP right now), and I was encouraged by how many people were taking time out of their workday to participate in the call on short notice. Less encouraging, however, were some of the takeaways from the call.

Both senators basically said that they are doing all they could to slow and block cabinet nominations and they encouraged everyone to keep fighting and to report stories of how these decisions are impacting people to keep the pressure on and provide ample documentation for lawsuits. However, they (and their staff representatives) also admitted that they had limited control in stopping the chaos since the Republicans have a trifecta of power right now. 

It’s clear by the comments posted in the chat that there are a lot of angry people who are feeling helpless to affect any kind of change. Too many of the questions coming from individuals were looking for a savior to get us out of this mess: “Why isn’t anyone stopping them? ““What are you doing about this?” “Who’s in charge of a strategy?”

Here’s the bad news: It’s up to us.

And here’s the good news: It’s up to us. 

Nobody has to feel helpless, because we all have the ability to do SOMETHING and something imperfectly executed is far better than a well-planned NOTHING. There is no single “leader” in all of this. Everyone needs to step up as best they can and give others the grace to be imperfect. Time is of the essence—we can’t “wait” for things to get better. We need to do what we can now. 

However, I firmly believe we need to focus our efforts a bit. First, I would stop making pleas to your MAGA acquaintances to have a little compassion. That train has left the station. They don’t care if trans people feel persecuted. They don’t care if immigrants are scared. The MAGA supporters have shown us that they don’t really care about other people and they’re going so far as to distort Christianity in order to justify their Christian Nationalist agenda. 

Of course, it’s important for us to protect and help all of those coming under attack, but we shouldn’t waste our energy trying to persuade Trump supporters to do the same. Appealing to their better angels is useless as long as they are immersed in the MAGA cult. A far better alternative is to hit them where it hurts them personally—their income—which is why I think that those who are interested in protecting democracy should seriously consider participating in a GENERAL STRIKE. 

What is a General Strike?

Basically, everyone who can refuses to go to work or to purchase anything for a period of time. This BBC article shows that it only takes 3.5% of the population (which would be 11 million Americans) to be successful. So, the greater the participation, the shorter the amount of time that would be needed to succeed. While these strikes are often combined with protests, I think that protests are not the best idea in the current environment (more on that below). 

How can something this big get organized effectively? 

The Women’s March in 2020 was a successful grassroots effort that came together by smaller groups and individuals aligning with the organizers. The same could happen in this instance if enough people put aside their individual ideas about how things “should” work and join onto the efforts of one common organizer. It’s not critical that everyone align on every single point. The important thing is to stop this illegal power grab and insist upon enforcing the constitutional process that is supposed to protect our democracy.

There is already a movement called generalstrikeus.com that is beginning to gather information on how to proceed. You can start by signing up there. I have no ties to this organization, but think it makes sense to leverage their infrastructure and website since it’s already in place. While their current list of demands is very broad (and in my mind, unrealistic), it was put together before this crisis and ultimately the various participating partner groups would have to work together to determine timing and demands.

What if I can’t afford to risk losing my job by not showing up? 

This is the most common concern. First of all, we know that people have to provide for those who are dependent on them and some people have jobs that the public depends on (like an ER doctor). But oftentimes people have more leverage here than they think. Do you have sick time or vacation time you could use? Consider how difficult or easy it would be for your employer to replace you quickly. Also consider your employer’s/boss’s personal feelings about what is happening. They may be supportive of you striking because it may be the quickest solution to solving something that could have even longer-term economic impact for their business. 

Likewise, think about the long-term economic impact of these illegal actions on your own personal finances. When you consider the financial burdens being created by tariffs; threats to health insurance and homeowner’s coverage; and the potential insolvency of social security, can you really afford not to participate? 

After considering all of the above, if you decide you can’t personally afford to miss work, you can still help the cause by urging friends and family to participate and by promoting it on social media. Nearly everyone can participate by not buying anything (except absolute necessities) for the duration of the strike. Those who are unemployed or retired can help too, by spreading the word or offering childcare to essential workers (like emergency personnel). 

How do I not buy anything? 

Remember the impact of the early pandemic when businesses were shut down without notice? This had a hugely negative affect on businesses very quickly. Likewise, if a large number of us refraining from spending any money (going out to eat, buying non-necessities, etc.) will have the same effect. Nobody expects you to forego basic food or medicine, but limiting what’s purchased during the strike is important, so if you can prepare ahead of time for the necessities, that will help. (Important note: Preparing ahead of time doesn’t mean “stocking up” on a bunch of non-critical items—businesses need to see a DROP in overall income for a strike to be effective, not just a small cashflow/timing difference.)

The good news is, most of us already have experience with this due to surviving all the supply chain issues during the pandemic! 

Why not protest?

Although there are lots of protests happening around the country, I think one very large protest would be detrimental to the overall cause for three reasons. 

  1. It would bring out the extreme crazies who are looking for violence (Proud Boys, etc.)
  2. I firmly believe that Trump wouldn’t hesitate to declare martial law or to order the military or law enforcement to fire on civilians. 
  3. It exposes immigrants to ICE arrests. 

A general strike will have a similar impact of grinding things to a halt without putting any individual at risk of violence or deportation. 

What about retaliation? 

Being scared of retaliation is a real concern, but all I can do is urge everyone to rise above it. There IS strength in numbers and every time a single person raises their voice, it gives others courage to do the same. Don’t short-change the importance of that. Think of all the prominent people—actors, comedians, musicians, professional athletes—who have been very vocal in their opposition against Trump. These are people who have a lot to lose and are very visible in their dissent. If they can do it, so can you. We simply need to step up and be the heroes our children and grandchildren deserve.

The Big Win

I’m saving the best for last, and that’s the long-term impact of a general strike. Elon Musk is the richest and arguably most powerful person in the world right now. Yet, even he can’t singlehandedly keep millions of Americans in their place if we band together to do this. And when we succeed at stopping him in his tracks, it will PROVE ONCE AND FOR ALL TO EVERYONE ACROSS THE GLOBE that average people, working together, wield the real power. This will be a critical moment in turning back the authoritarian tide that has been sweeping so many countries and will let oligarchs know that they can’t escape the law. And that’s when we can finally start making headway toward addressing climate change, equity for all, and global peace.

Please join the effort here: https://generalstrikeus.com

In addition, help spread the word…If you belong to any other groups on FB, Reddit, Discord, Bluesky, etc. where people are voicing concerns about what they can do, please share this. The more organizations that get on board quickly, the sooner we can stop the destruction.

What now? Stormy gears up for the long haul by creating a sanity plan

On By StormyIn Attitude, Faith, Family, Getting older, Health/fitness, Marriage, Politics, Relationships, Work/careersLeave a comment

Over the last several years, Stormy has been seeking direction.

When I was unexpectedly laid off in 2022, my subsequent job search revealed what I had always suspected—that marketing is a particularly age-sensitive field and age discrimination is real. Yet, it felt too soon for me to retire, so I decided to do some fractional CMO consulting work while I figured out my next steps. Marketing consulting is a tough gig for an introvert. In addition to marketing your clients products and services, you have to spend equal time marketing yourself.

As I was in this consulting phase, another marketing colleague was telling me about their new client who ran a MedSpa type of business, offering Botox, fillers and other “aesthetic” treatments. I was surprised (and dismayed) to learn that their target market was in their 30s! And while I won’t judge anyone for personally choosing treatments that may make them feel better about their appearance, I know that to effectively sell these products to thirtysomethings, a marketer would need to inject fear and insecurity into their hearts before they would agree to inject Botox into their young faces.

In today’s uncertain business environment, it’s difficult to pass up a paying client… yet, I’ve reached the stage in my career where I’m only interested in working with people and organizations whose values, products and services align with mine. Yet, I genuinely enjoy the social aspects of working, learning new things, and making a difference.

Meanwhile, on the home front, Oskar and I were discovering that you can’t outrun Parkinson’s indefinitely—although God knows, we’ve tried. Changes in his condition, like no longer being able to drive, are now requiring me to spend more time being a caregiver (a role that, anyone could tell you, I wasn’t exactly born for). 

The progression of Oskar’s PD symptoms also led to a host of related lifestyle changes this past summer: Moving from a condo with two stories to an apartment where all our living space is on one level, renting out our vacation condo, and downsizing half of our “stuff” to fit our belongings into the new, smaller space. 

When I had time to reflect on my situation—not loving consulting work, wanting more control over the products, services or causes that my efforts were going toward, and the need for a more flexible schedule at home to accommodate my husband’s illness—I had to ask myself… Was it finally time for me to retire? And what would that even look like? Oskar’s daily challenges made the stereotypical active retirement—lots of activities and travel—less feasible, so how would I fill my time? KitKat and I started this blog more than a decade ago (can you believe it?!) and in that time, I’ve reinvented myself again and again. Yet still I’ve felt aimless and discouraged. A friend suggested to me that as I face what is likely to be a more challenging stage with Oskar’s illness, that I needed find a way to not only accept my reality, but embrace it. To live a life of purpose vs. mere tolerance.

I’m still nearly a decade away from “retirement age,” but if there is one benefit of having a spouse be diagnosed with a serious condition at a relatively young age it’s this: It forced us to financially prepare for an unknown future. As a result, we never really subscribed to “lifestyle creep” as our incomes grew, but rather, we put as much as we could into savings—so that if either of us had to retire early, we would have the freedom to do that. 

I was mulling over my friend’s advice, but with all the downsizing/moving activity this summer, it was easy for me to push out any decisions about what to do next. So that’s what I did. I also knew that once the move was complete the election season would be in full throttle, and I couldn’t make a decision about my future without knowing what our nation’s future might hold. With Biden stepping down and Harris quickly pulling together an amazing level of support, I was hopeful and excited that we might finally get our country back on track. But I awoke in the early hours of Wednesday morning to headlines that absolutely shattered half the country. 

Talk about an unknown future!

After the initial shock wore off—replaced by a profound disappointment in my fellow Americans—I was surprised to find that I was oddly accepting of the situation. While I absolutely wish things had gone the other way, I firmly believe that some people can only learn important life lessons the hard way. And, unfortunately, this appears to be one of those times for many Americans. 

Anyone who has tried to reason with a MAGA cult member knows that you can’t. It’s the definition of An Exercise in Futility. Yet, because I have family members in the cult, I nevertheless persisted. For so much of the last decade, I have felt like we were at war with the mythological Hydra: Chop off one ugly head and a couple more appeared in its place. Lies. Disinformation. Hatred. Racism. Misogyny. Homophobia. Over and over. In addition to any personal challenges I was facing, I was constantly anxious and distracted by the news and social media. I found myself ignoring my health and using alcohol to calm my nerves. I lost my sense of joy. 

Just another day of defending the truth.

Last week, with my acceptance that Harris lost the election, came a realization that that particular battle was over. No, I’m not throwing in the towel on democracy. I will continue to work toward it. However, I’m no longer going to suit up and stare down the Hydra day after day. I’ve sacrificed a decade of my mental and physical health to an awful cult and I’m not going to give them another day. One week after winning the election, the incoming administration is already proposing a number of changes designed to undermine democracy. It’s clear to me that winning back our country will require a much longer-term strategy.

So where does that leave Stormy? One of my warrior outlaw in-laws sent a text on Wednesday saying she was working on a “sanity plan” for surviving these years under a wannabe dictator. I thought that was a great idea, but I took a slightly different approach. First, by drafting a personal Mission & Values Statement. Second, by drafting a Wellness Strategy. Together, I hope they will serve as my personal sanity plan. Here’s a high-level summary:

Mission & Values Statement

I believe that joy and positive relationships are essential to life, but each person must figure that out on their own (and some are slow learners). I will focus on cultivating joy in my own life by bringing my daily activities into greater alignment with my values:

  • Maintain perspective – The problems of our society won’t be solved overnight or even in my lifetime. Realize that I have been given privilege and talents that I should use to help others, while also taking the time to appreciate and enjoy my one life. 
  • Encourage beauty and creativity – I will do this by spending more time creating interesting and beautiful things, appreciating art and beauty, and helping other people live more creative lives. 
  • “Do all the good you can…” – My whole career has been using my writing to persuade people and win customers, now I plan to leverage that experience to advance the causes I most care about. I also want to teach some of these skills to disadvantaged groups to help level the playing field. 
  • Reclaim my religion – As a Christian, I’ve been particularly frustrated with the Christian Nationalist movement, as it basically contradicts every lesson Jesus taught and is responsible for driving people from the church in droves. Rather than abandon Christianity, I’m going to reclaim it and work harder to make sure people understand what Jesus preached—love for one’s neighbor without distinction for race, creed, gender or orientation. 
  • Stretch and grow – I will continue to try new things and won’t be afraid of failure. Since I’m no longer chasing a paycheck, I can no longer be “fired.” This means that I really cannot fail at anything I do (so long as I learn something along the way). I also know that engaging in learning and discovery are the best ways to stay interested and interesting. 
  • Accept that you can’t do it all – There are myriad ways for each of us to be useful in this world and everyone has a different role to play. Therefore, I may as well choose projects that fuel my personal enthusiasm and renew my spirit. 
  • Rest unapologetically – I’m going to implement my Wellness Strategy and pace myself, so I can continue these activities for as long as I can. I’m in this for the long haul. 

And, because I think this is extra important for so many of us now, I’d also like to share how I intend to do this.

Wellness Strategy

  • Limit exposure to 47 – This goes without saying. No more sneering orange face, no more grating, unintelligible voice. I can read analysis and transcripts to understand what he’s up to, but if I never see or hear from him again, that would be just ducky with me. Fortunately, there’s a good chance I’ll outlive him, and that will be a happy day indeed. 
  • Limit the news – Like many, I’ve become absolutely disgusted with the mainstream media for normalizing a despotic criminal and treating him like a legitimate candidate. Moreover, exposure to news 24/7 is unhealthy. Instead, I’ll be checking in once a day to get a synopsis from a few trusted sources and do my best to silence the chatter.
  • Limit social media – After the last election, I did some extreme curation of my social feeds. This was a lifesaver, and I will continue to keep my social media activity limited and positive. I want to spend more of my life offline than online. 
  • Stick with my tribe – Spend time strengthening my relationships with those who share my values. Avoid spending time with those who don’t. This isn’t the same as ostracizing those on the other side. It’s just choosing to preserve my peace. I’ll continue to work toward their deprogramming (“thoughts and prayers” anyone?), but I will not spend my time socializing with them. Unfortunately, this extends to family members. When some of them are willing to put a target on the backs of others, they cease to be family for me. If/when they realize their grave mistake and are ready to accept responsibility, I’ll be happy to welcome them back in my life.
  • Recharge and reset – Identify activities to proactively recharge my personal batteries before I “power off.” Spend time each week on creative projects to nourish my soul. Get out and attend museums, plays, lectures and other mind-broadening events. 
  • Embrace exercise and nature – Be physically active. Workout daily. Get out in nature regularly. Soak up the sunshine. Experience the weather. 
  • Focus on my health – Eat and drink in a healthy way. Reduce my sugar intake. No more using alcohol as an anti-anxiety med. No reliance on comfort meals that leave me feeling sluggish. Catch up on all the doctor’s appointments and screenings that I pushed out of the way when I was stressed or busy. 
  • Distract by diving in deep – Do meaningful volunteer work or start a side hustle or two. Learn new skills and subjects in order to advocate effectively. Keep myself distracted with useful, purposeful activity vs. doomscrolling and worrying about the future. Cross each bridge when I come to it. 

I found this exercise good for my psyche. It gives me a sense of purpose, but more importantly, it restores a sense of balance that I’ve been lacking for far too long. If last week’s election is leaving you feeling unmoored, I recommend taking a stab at your own sanity plan… and I’d love to hear about it. I want all my righteous peeps to not only survive, but thrive, in the difficult years ahead.

This year will be… Authentic!

On By StormyIn Attitude, Blogging, Getting older, Work/careersLeave a comment

I’ve mentioned before that I’m a bit of a New Year’s junkie. Looking back through the archives, you’ll find a post dedicated to the topic of renewal nearly every January (and a few others sprinkled in here and there at other times of the year). While I tend to take an “agile” approach to personal development, with new Stormy upgrades being released every couple of weeks, I really love the idea of a completely clean slate and dream about what I’d like to achieve in the coming year. 

Oftentimes, I approach the new year with an idea or mantra in mind. This year, my goals are centered around a word, and like Merriam-Webster recently chose as its Word of the Year for 2023, I am choosing “Authentic” as my word for 2024. 

Merriam-Webster’s choice seems to be in recognition of people’s increasing desire for authentic human connections in a year when AI became omnipresent. I think they are on track with that one. When you start reading AI-generated content, it doesn’t take long to realize that there isn’t a real person behind it. An “AI Assistant” has even been added as a feature to WordPress (the software I use for creating this blog), but let me assure you, since writing is therapy for me, I’ll never outsource this blog to AI… Meanwhile, indulge me by going waaaaay back for a moment, as I explain…

Why I chose authentic

Young Stormy started working at Blue Cross & Blue Shield at the tender age of 18. It felt like I was on an alien planet. To meet the dress code, I wore a skirt, blouse and heels with nylons(!) every day. I routinely interacted with people who had mortgages, kids and high cholesterol. My job duties included a variety of mind-numbing clerical tasks—making photocopies of huge stacks of insurance applications, for example; ultimately culminating in my last position: finding out why people needed health insurance so we could deny them coverage for that very thing. Ha! … Well, admittedly, that may be a cynical explanation of my role as an assistant health history underwriter, but not by much. Needless to say, I hated my job. 

While working there, I signed up for various professional development seminars that were offered on our corporate campus (they were free and considered a legitimate way to get out of doing the job that I hated, so…) One of these was for women to learn how to talk so they would be taken seriously in business. I remember the instructor specifically addressing that annoying thing some women do? Where their voices go up at the end of every statement? Making everything they say sound like a question? As though they are apologizing for having a thought and expressing it? 

Thankfully, I don’t think nearly as many women speak like that these days—I guess there has been progress made against the patriarchy since the 80s after all. But if you’re my age or older, you’ve experienced that speech pattern before. Anyway, the point I’m trying to make by reminiscing about my early working days is this: A young working woman in the mid-80s was not expected, nor encouraged, to be “authentic.” Far from it. We were encouraged, nay expected, to “fit in.”

  • “Fake it ’til you make it”
  • “Dress for the job you want, not the job you have”
  • “Play the game”
  • “Keep up appearances”
  • “Never let them see you sweat”

With standards like these, it’s no wonder “imposter syndrome” became a thing.

A shift in the corporate perspective

Nowadays, there’s more of a focus on authenticity in the workplace. Diversity, equity and inclusion (DEI) initiatives have led to greater awareness of the many adaptations (code-switching, passing and assimilation) that my generation took as non-negotiable. Obviously, Stormy trying to fit into a corporate setting as an 18-year-old, American-born, cis-gender, white, middle-class woman didn’t require as many mental gymnastics as some of my colleagues. Over the years, I’ve had coworkers who were gay and closeted, experiencing gender dysphoria, or hiding physical or mental health conditions from their employer, and I wouldn’t wish that kind of daily mental strain on my worst enemy. And I think most people would agree that greater acceptance of diversity is a good thing—but we still have a ways to go. 

However, while I still have a non-conformist streak in me that 30 years of corporate indoctrination has been unable to squelch completely, I also don’t think every personal expression or preference requires “accommodations.” I draw a distinction between forcing someone with naturally tightly coiled hair to chemically straighten it and expecting someone to not curse excessively in the workplace. (And before my past colleagues chime in to bust me, yes, I’ve been known to curse in the workplace… However, while this may be an authentic trait, it’s not one I’m particularly proud of, so if an employer called me out on it, I would have to agree that it was reasonable for them to expect better language.) Likewise, I hate making small talk with strangers, but it’s an unspoken expectation when talking to clients, so I learned to suck it up and chit chat as required. I guess what I’m saying here is the good side of “fake it ’til you make it” is leaning into things that don’t necessarily come naturally and developing new skills and resiliency as a result… at its best, learning to embrace discomfort promotes personal growth. 

So back to my story…

At some point in my 40s, I finally had enough confidence in my own professional competence to relax and let my authentic self show through a bit more. At that point, I knew stuff. I was good at my job. I had made up for my initial educational deficiency with a bachelor’s degree, an MBA and an assortment of certifications. I had managed work teams and million-dollar budgets. I could finally “own” my authenticity, right? 

Well, for a decade, I did just that. However, the last several years, I found myself facing a new problem—one that was the opposite of the issue I faced in my youth. As a job-seeker in my 50s, I was now in the uncomfortable position of trying to downplay my experience (so as to indirectly downplay my age). This was causing a bit of cognitive dissonance: On the one hand, I was ready to fully “own” my history, and on the other, I was painfully aware that age discrimination is real. And hiring within my chosen field (Marketing) is even more youth oriented. 

Keeping my resume to two pages was difficult. While some experience was obviously obsolete (press check, anyone?), whole jobs—even one where I was the department head by the time I left the company—were omitted due to them being too long ago. In casual networking conversations, I dreaded the question “How old are your kids?” Peers with teenagers would look baffled when I confessed that two of my three kids were in their 30s. Starting my family early means that I now have more time and energy to devote to work and, when it comes to technology, my skills are light years ahead of my “digital native” children. Nonetheless, I couldn’t find roles comparable in pay or responsibility to those I previously held. Despite feeling 33 inside, during interviews with younger executives, I felt like a relic. And an expensive one at that. Like Adam & Eve’s pizza cutters… queue the Antiques Roadshow!

That’s why I was happy to find a new job situation last year with a professional services firm. Suddenly, my years of experience were regarded as an asset again, not a liability. I no longer felt as though I would be penalized for being authentic. I could breathe again. 

Who is Stormy?

So, as I look to the year ahead, I can finally figure out who I authentically am—and who I authentically want to be—without worrying about anyone else’s impressions, expectations or judgement. And, given my fondness for New Year’s resolutions, a bunch of ambitious goals have emerged from those two questions, “Who are you? And who do you want to be?” (For example, someone who is healthy, active, spiritually grounded, creative, etc., etc., etc.) So, while I’m not trying to boil the ocean and don’t plan to achieve my personal version of nirvana all at once, 2024 will be about moving closer to my ideal self. And my blog posts will probably reflect this larger theme, as well. But I promise you that I’ll share my adventures, observations, and defeats in addition to my successes 🤞🏻, in the spirit of keeping it all “authentic.”

Postscript: It’s not lost on me that I’m writing about authenticity on a blog that was created under a pseudonym! But in Stormy’s case, authenticity comes with some inconsistency—that’s what makes life interesting, after all! (All things in moderation…even moderation.) 😉

Endings. Beginnings. And the time in-between.

On By StormyIn Attitude, Children, Getting older, Parents, Work/careersLeave a comment

A lot has happened since the last time you’ve heard from me, but if I’m honest, most of the transformation has taken place inside my own head. Don’t get me wrong, there have been real changes as well. Most notably, the loss of my 96-year-old mother this fall. As you may recall, we had a somewhat stormy relationship the past 15 years or so (maybe that’s why I subconsciously chose that nom de plume?) so there were a lot of emotions tied to her death. 

Two years ago, I wrote a New Year’s blog about her and how our relationship was continuing to evolve with her dementia. Since then, I’ve been able to see things from my mom’s perspective and understand just how difficult the last decade was for her. My mom essentially gave us “two week’s notice” before her death, so we had time to gather around her and say goodbye. I’m happy to report that her last words to me were, “You’re wonderful,” and I’m grateful that the enduring memories I now have of my mom are ones of love and gratitude. 

So, what is the transformation that has taken place? Well, it’s closely related to my mom’s death. You see, I’ve carried the stress of my mom’s dementia for several years (and my dad’s dementia for several years before that). And I’m not the caregiver type (just ask Oskar or my kids). During the busy parenting years, I often thought about the future with anticipation. I fantasized about what it would be like when the kids left home, and I was retired. Just imagine! All that time to do whatever I want! In reality, when my little chickies finally flew the nest, I struggled with it—but work and worrying about my parents quickly filled the void. In fact, caregiving for my parents has taken up a good portion of my mindshare for more than a decade. Until this October, that is.

AKA: The Month from Hell. October was a blur of professional and family obligations (with some work commitments serving as a welcome distraction from my mom’s decline), as well as some family conflict, but once the dust settled after my mother’s funeral, I found myself bereft (that’s one of those words that doesn’t show up very frequently in daily conversation, but is nonetheless appropriate):

bereft \bih-REFT\ adjective. 1: deprived or robbed of the possession or use of something — usually used with of. 2: lacking something needed, wanted, or expected — used with of. 3: suffering the death of a loved one: bereaved.

Merriam-Webster

When November arrived, I wasn’t on a client engagement and my mom was gone. There was nowhere I had to be and nothing I had to do. I felt utterly purposeless. 

Ever since I left corporate life in 2019, I feel like I’ve been in transition. I’ve been consulting and signed on with a company of like-minded marketers in May. I consider myself lucky to have found a professional “home,” but the very nature of Fractional CMO consulting means there will continue to be gaps in my employment. I discovered with my mom’s death that too much time (to contemplate my past and my future) is not a good thing for Stormy. 

When you’re a deadline-driven, admittedly high-strung, self-diagnosed ADHD individual and have spent decades putting your dreams on the back burner, there comes a time when… you… just… forget… what they are. After all, I’d been a caregiver—first to my children and then to my parents—for more than 30 years. I earned two degrees while working and raising kids… Multi-tasking was my middle name! But it turns out that when so many of the external responsibilities that defined me fell away—Daughter, Student, Mom, Boss, Employee—all I was left with is a very uncomfortable vacuum. And Stormy, like nature, abhors a vacuum, so Stormy, unlike Nature, fills it with anxiety and existential dread. 

This led me to do some Serious Thinking, a process to which I devoted several weeks. The first realization I had was that my mom’s death significantly changed things. Suddenly, I had both the additional time and mental bandwidth for tackling something new. Second, I realized that I needed to find a way to fill my days with purposeful activity (in addition to PT consulting) if I wanted to be happy. While taking care of my mom had been extremely stressful, it was also rewarding, because I knew I was doing something necessary and worthwhile. Now, I was presented with an opportunity to do something purposeful that was also enjoyable—I just had to discover what that is. Third, I realized that life is short. I know people say that all the time, but there are specific moments where one really internalizes that understanding and this was one of those times. After consulting with our financial advisor, I concluded that my life circumstances would never be more conducive to me “doing my own thing” than they are right now. 

This article is actually just a stripped-down description of the many changes I’ve undergone this year. It’s been a big mental shift for me and feels like a new phase of my life, so I can’t tell you exactly what my future will look like. But if nothing else, it means you’ll probably see more blogging from me in 2024 (for me, writing = therapy). I have high hopes for the new year, and you know I can’t resist sharing my resolutions (accountability is everything), so plan to see more updates soon.

What got you here, won’t get you there…

On By StormyIn Attitude, Work/careersLeave a comment

In my last blog, I mentioned that I had started a new job and referenced a quote my daughter had sent me. In part, it said, “Let go of the idea that you must always be who you have always been.” When I read that again today, it stuck me as interesting, because it’s directly tied to the title of this post.

Incidentally, the latter is the title of a book by Marshall Goldsmith. I suspect it’s a good book, but I will confess that I usually only read the cover fly and first chapter of business books. I can usually distill the key message from that (“Who Moved My Cheese?” = People don’t like change. Boom! Done.) And then I move on to something else.

(Incidentally, several people have made a business out of that very skill. I should have capitalized on that sooner.)

The premise of the book from which I took my title is basically referencing the Peter Principle. The fact that you may have had solid skills that contributed to your success at one level in your career may become irrelevant as you move up the next rung on the ladder. I was explaining this concept to a former employee when I left my last position, and the truth of it has smacked me in the face multiple times since I started in my new role.

She’s come undone
She didn’t know what she was headed for
And when I found what she was headed for
It was too late
It’s too late
She’s gone too far
She’s lost the sun
She’s come undone
Undun –  The Guess Who

I’ve been in Marketing for ages, and I’ve led marketing teams and have been the lead marketer in the organization—all at previous companies. But each of those instances evolved over time so I knew solidly what I was doing.

With my new job, I became the lead of an existing (and somewhat dysfunctional) system. Lots of new people in a matrixed organization. I love the company. The people are friendly and competent, but the company itself is in a growth-plus-plus-plus mode in a booming industry, and all of that adds up to a very frenetic pace and high expectations that I am struggling to adjust to.

Let me be clear, here, I have never been a laid-back coworker. You can ask KitKat or any of my former colleagues, I work very hard and intensely with little time for chit-chat around the water cooler. I usually skip lunch or grab a handful of nuts while reviewing something. That’s my natural work mode, and although I’ve sometimes been criticized for not being “social” enough, it’s worked well for me. When I shut down from working, I’m usually able to turn it all off and enjoy the other aspects of my life.

When I started my new role, there was a several month backlog of work to be done and a couple of years’ worth of unmet expectations on top of that. I’ve been challenged to get on top of things and get some functioning processes in place. None of the marketing tasks themselves have challenged me—after nearly 30 years, I should know what I’m doing—but the politics, expectations and lack of resources are much harder to navigate. Consequently, my work days are even more intense (to the point where I haven’t taken a lunch break since I started and am afraid to schedule an overdue doctor’s appointment due to it messing up my work week). And I never shut off. Evenings and weekends, I’m either working or worrying about work. It’s not healthy and I know it’s not sustainable.

KitKat has been a tremendous help in reminding me that I’m still new and will get things under control once I better understand the company and its people. But I still have moments of despair where I worry that I’ve made a terrible mistake. KitKat’s in a similar boat, but with school-age kids that need to be factored in to the picture as well. I admire her ability to carve out little moments for recharging with her friends.

UndoneThe situation actually reminds me of a post KitKat authored at one point, “Learning to Live in the Maybe”…although that’s not the lesson before me. My lesson is “Learning to Live with the Undone.”

This is not an easy thing for a Type A control freak. Marketing by nature is a discipline where you are never “done”…. Your work is only limited by your imagination and skill and time—not dollars and people. You can always crank out another social media post or write another case study. Even an organization with ZERO budget can do SOME marketing if they have a clever enough staff. That’s why I have always been attracted to it and I’ve always been okay that there was more I could be doing. But that’s different than leaving IMPORTANT things UNDONE. And that’s what I need to embrace now.

In my new role, I need to focus on getting the CRITICAL things done and anything else is gravy. I also need to remind myself that I’m doing the best I can and “happiness matters.”

I had often thought about this comment with respect to President Obama (not our current Commander in Cheeto, who I believe has no real regard for the importance of the office). I always thought that it would be challenging to be the President, with so much at stake and so many issues to work on and to be able to enforce ANY type of work/life balance. I admired the way that Obama was able to be such an effective president without sacrificing his health or family (although, like most presidents, he left office with considerably more gray hair). And I’ll extend this admiration to other past leaders from both parties—men who, I believe, were dedicated to doing what they think was best for our country, even if I may have disagreed with them on individual policy decisions from time to time. It’s a tough gig.

worklifeNow, I don’t have the responsibility of the Free World on my shoulders (although I’m sure I could do a better job of it than the Cheeto), but for me and my world, it’s a similar balancing act. Will I rise to the occasion or let it bury me? What got me here won’t get me there—I need a new set of skills. I need to develop them and see what I’m made of. I still have confidence that I can do that, but I need the support of KitKat, my family and others to remind me that if I’m doing my best, that’s pretty damn good—and I deserve to take a day off once in a while.

We’ll see what the future holds—I hope the next time I write you about work I’ll have a better handle on my work/life balance, but I know that’s easier said than done.

 

 

 

 

 

Stormy rises from the ashes of her own expectations

On By StormyIn Attitude, Blogging, Children, Work/careers2 Comments

When KitKat and I launched this blog four years ago, we decided on a posting cadence of biweekly, thinking that between the two of us, we could manage an update to this blog once a week. We met that goal for the first six months and it’s been downhill ever since.

We’re more than two months into the new year and I have yet to post my annual “New Year’s” post, brimming with optimism and resolve. Never fear, I HAVE made a few resolutions and have actually made a fairly drastic change in one aspect of my life: I’ve started a new job that is consuming my thoughts and free time.

This was a big deal for me. When I started at my last job, after leaving the company that KitKat and I worked at together, I thought I would stay there until I retire. With my husband’s Parkinson’s Disease, I was anticipating the need for a flexible work arrangement at some point as his condition required me to provide more assistance. I thought that by building some job equity with my company that they would be willing to work with me on a flexible arrangement when that time came. However, when Oskar’s surgery transformed our daily lives by giving us back his mobility, I realized that I had other options. Although I liked my coworkers and my job (well, most of them, most of the time), there was limited opportunity for me to advance.dreams_dont_scare

Early this year, I accepted a new job. The company and my role are interesting and I’m enjoying it (although fully aware I’m in the “honeymoon period”). But the best part about making the switch was remembering that it’s never too late to make a change. After interviewing, I felt a bit nervous—everything sounded good about the position, but it meant going from a comfortable situation where I knew what I was doing to something unknown. And that scared me a little. Then I decided if I was a bit scared, that was a sign that I should rise to the challenge and accept the job. And KitKat had bravely made a job change a few months earlier and encouraged me to make the leap. So I did.

The day I started, my daughter Lucky sent me a quote from her aunt’s Facebook wall, it read:

“There is no statute of limitations on starting over. Re-invent yourself every day. Be the girl who walks barefoot and listens to the blues. Tomorrow, wear a trench coat and speak fierce truths. Be a phoenix. Be ashes. Burn down. Resurrect. Let go of the idea that you must always be who you have always been.”

Then she added, “You’re about to rise from the ashes…” 😉

I loved that because I needed the reminder—and I loved that my daughter sees me as someone who can continue to evolve and grow, even at my “advanced age” (wink). I think, ultimately, that’s the theme of this blog: KitKat and I reminding ourselves—and each other—that we can be whomever we choose and strive to be our best, truest version of ourselves, regardless of the other claims on us…by our families, our jobs and society as a whole. And encouraging others to be their best, truest selves.

That’s what I want for my children, and that’s what I want for myself. And even though it’s sometimes “easier said than done,” it’s ultimately worth it.

 

 

Stormy & KitKat for office? That’s just the ticket!

On By KitKatIn Attitude, Children, Family, Fashion/beauty, Girlfriends, Health/fitness, Marriage, Money, Parents, Random, Relationships, Work/careersLeave a comment

Someone recently posted on my Facebook page, “Stormy for President! I’d vote for you…” This made me laugh because I view politics as a necessary evil and generally identify as an Independent. I usually have very little to say on the topic and have only been opinionated this year because a madman is in the race. However, the post got me to thinking: “If I were running for president, what would my platform be? What are my beliefs and how do they define me?”

True to my apolitical roots, I’m going to stay away from foreign policy, gun control, and economics (although I have opinions on all of the above) and, as I’m running an honest, transparent campaign, I’m going to tell you what I really believe.*

It’s never too late – Maybe I’ve watched Scrooge too many times, but I honestly believe that everyone has the capacity to change—and at any time—so long as they want to. I keep hoping that will be the case with my 89-year-old mother, but I’m trying to balance that by having no expectations that she actually will change. That’s a tricky balance.

Find a penny, pick it up. All day long you’ll have good luck – I never walk past a penny on the ground without stopping to pick it up. It’s not that Stormy is cheap, but she is thrifty. At one time lack of finances was a very real issue for me, so I like to remind myself how far I’ve come and remember that it still is an issue for many others. Even if I’m blessed with a comfortable lifestyle, I never want to discount money’s worth—even if it’s a lowly penny—out of respect for those who must save every cent.

He who hesitates…is going to have to wait for me – I adhere to the rules of the road (in most cases) but if we come to a stop sign and you don’t go when it’s your turn, I’m not going to sit around waiting for you. I’m going.

moto_jacket
This jacket actually has Stormy looking forward to cooler weather…

Smart people buy used – There are people out there who think buying used is for “poor people” and won’t purchase anything that’s not in the original packaging. Poppycock. You get way more for your money buying certain items used (cars, clothes, everyday dishes and glasses). I’ve admitted to being a bit of a clotheshorse, but people don’t realize how much I purchase secondhand: Like my cashmere sweaterdress from Neiman Marcus, the Missoni dress I wore to my niece’s wedding reception or my new favorite: The black leather moto jacket I bought from ThredUp. The best thing about buying consignment clothes is you get a preview into how well they will hold up and can get high-quality threads for knock-off prices.

If you’re having a terrible day, end it – No, I’m not advocating suicide…just an earlier bedtime. Occasionally, despite our best efforts, some days just suck more than others…but getting a good night’s sleep can improve your whole perspective.

If you’re having lots of terrible days, do something about it – If your circumstances are making you miserable, change them. Oftentimes, the biggest hurdle standing between you and a positive change is your own attitude. Maybe you can’t make a wholesale life change (like quitting your job) immediately, but you can take steps toward change (like updating your resume or brushing up on a skill that will make you more marketable). If you absolutely cannot deal with your circumstances OR if your life is good but you’re still miserable for some unidentifiable reason, PLEASE SEEK PROFESSIONAL HELP.

All things in moderation – Fanatics (of any type) scare the shit out of me, so I stay away from environments that encourage fanaticism (sports play-offs, political rallies). I also try to understand both sides of an issue, because there are very few situations that are as black and white as they first appear. But I’ve found that this moderate approach works for other things as well. Dieting? If you deny yourself your favorite foods, it’s probably just a matter of time before you fall off the wagon. If you satisfy those cravings with a moderate amount of chips (or whatever) on occasion, it may take a little longer to lose the weight, but you’ll be more likely to stick with your overall eating plan.

Big changes start with small steps – There’s power in motion and sometimes great achievements are made through lots of little mundane steps. When I was working toward my bachelor’s degree, I was married and raising small children, while also working part-time. Progress was slow, but 11 years later, I had a degree. That success also led me to earning an MBA a decade later…(Thankfully, it didn’t take a decade to earn that one!) The habits-quotespoint is, those achievements were the accumulation of MANY mundane steps, but by sticking with them and keeping my eye on the finish line, I got there. This same principle can be applied to so many things. As Woody Allen said, “80% of success is showing up.”

How about you, KitKat? What does your “platform” look like? (And no, I’m not talking about shoes…)

KitKat Weighs in…

It’s KitKat, remember me? I have been a bit quiet as I adjust to a new job while balancing my normal chaotic family schedule. But, there is nothing like a political debate to pull me out of the shadows. Having divorced parents on two opposite sides of the spectrum, I have grown up listening to opinions shared with extreme passion. I learned that it is ok to express your beliefs, and a good family debate is sometimes a great way to firm up your own convictions and even counts as quality family time.

Though I found Stormy’s expressed beliefs undebatable (including the madman), I thought I better add mine to the ballot. Who knows, she may ask me to be her running mate!

Share the real things – I love seeing everyone’s photos documenting all the bests, but don’t forget to share the other real things too. Friends, acquaintances and even random bloggers, who have opened up or provided self-deprecating humor about struggles with kids, marriage, or other life issues have helped me in ways they will never know. Hey, it is nice to learn you’re not a freak with weird thoughts and emotions that no one else could imagine. It’s not about a bitch sessions. It’s just about being real. Otherwise, we all would just see the snippets from Facebook and wonder why our lives aren’t always made up of countless shiny moments like everyone else.

IMG_5681
KitKat shakes things up by taking her fear of flying on a seaplane in Seattle

Shake things up – Try new things, learn new skills, meet new people and make different mistakes. Sometimes my risks are bigger like quitting a safe corporate job to join a start up and sometimes it is as simple as changing my hair color. Shaking things up keeps me awake. “To dare is to lose one’s footing momentarily. To not dare is to lose oneself.” – Soren Kierkegaard

Keep moving – Sometimes you just can’t fix a rough day or bad situation, but just physically moving will help get you out of the wallow of self-pity. Twisting your body into different yoga poses. Taking a walk outside. Or my personal favorite: turning on music and dancing. No, it may not fix anything,  but it provides a momentary escape from a really crappy day.

(This may sound like a contradiction to Stormy’s “end it” advice but think of it as an alternative to those of us who don’t have the luxury to go to bed early. Stormy and I support all lifestyles.)

Your life isn’t all your own – There are many great readings on how to be happy and do what is right for you. I devour these when I see the posts. Who doesn’t want to grow old knowing they were fulfilled in every way? But the real truth is life isn’t all about you. There are friends, family, kids and even strangers who also count. Sometimes you have to make sacrifices or do things for others that may mean giving up some more selfish choices. Your life is part of a community. People who are there to share in the highs, and pick you up from the lows. Your peeps, those you know or will know, are part of your life and decisions. And that is ok—you need them!

IMG_5593
You never know what kind of a fairy you may encounter!

Let children believe – Soon enough we learn fairy tales don’t always have happy endings. But let them discover that themselves. So at my house Santa and the Easter Bunny are real, or at least nothing any of us question aloud, so they will keep visiting. And of course I was a fairy in my 20s with all kinds of mystical stories to share with my daughter whose deepest wish is to also become one. And, I am going to let my son think he has a solid career plan, being that if he doesn’t get recruited by the NHL or MBL, he came up with the fallback job of  being a pro-sports lawyer. No reason to crush his dreams with realistic expectations at 13. Plus, it is fun to hear all the things he is going to buy me when he is rich and famous. Let children believe in the whatever after. I find that going along with their imaginations lets me believe a bit in magic and wish bigger too.

Words count – Words hurt, much more than sticks and stones. The things we are told stick with us. Some of the comments told to us out of anger or disappointment, haunt us later. You may be surprised how much someone held on to words you forgot you spoke. It is ok to be honest and tell people the truth. I advocate for not being passive-aggressive and as I mentioned above, being real. The hard part is to remember to also go back and share when you don’t feel that way anymore or when they have made amends. Words also have power to heal. (This is something I am trying to remember in dealing with my own kids—especially navigating around a temperamental pre-teen.)

Arguing is ok – Simply put, if I am not willing to argue with you, that’s when you know something is wrong. There is passion in caring.

Embrace everything that has shaped you – Everyone has made some choices that they may go about differently given the chance. But it’s not just “right” choices that form the better you. Sometimes it’s the other paths where you learn the most. I may not want my children making some of the choices I did, but I hope they safely make it through some unchartered journeys. Instead of living in a cloud of regret, remember the things gained or experiences had. The skeletons in your closet are also your treasure chest of memories and learnings. For example, the R-rated job I took up in college; sorry Mom and Dad but I am still glad I was dumb enough to make that bad choice. Love all of your story—it is what makes you interesting.

Some things are best left alone – As much as I stand for trying new things and always improving, sometimes we need to realize when we already have something good and just leave it alone. For example, take Swedish Fish Oreos. How could someone take one of the best candies, which I will eat until my teeth actually hurt, and combine it with a favorite classic childhood cookie. You took two greats and transformed it into an awful. Another example is taking a yummy piece of bread and then dipping it in a bowl of creamy tomato bisque. Now you just created wet, and pinkish, bread—gag! (I loved those hot lunch trays in elementary school that kept my foods separate.) Basically, don’t ruin a good thing when you have it.

What do you say, Stormy? Should we throw our hats in the ring? The way most Americans feel about their choices this year, we may actually stand a chance. 🙂

*This list was inspired by another blogger whose work Stormy admires. See the original post here.

2016: Stormy’s year to “Choose Different”

On By StormyIn Attitude, Blogging, Getting older, Health/fitness, Hobbies, Relationships, Work/careers5 Comments

New Year’s and its related resolutions are a perennial theme for KitKat and me. (YES, we’ve been doing the blog long enough now to have “perennial themes”—and the fact that this blog started out as a resolution proves my point, I think…)

From vision boards to attitude adjustments, we’re both a bit obsessed with self-improvement. Or at least identifying our shortcomings on a regular basis (ha, ha). Seriously, with how much I think about these things, I should be perfect by now. But as you probably realize, thinking and doing are two different things.

While I can be decisive and even a little impulsive, and I sometimes abandon my efforts when they don’t yield immediate results, I’m also a big believer in adopting the approach of the tortoise over the hare—slow and steady wins the race—and over time, small incremental changes can have a large impact on my life. Case in point: the bachelor’s degree that took me 11 years to earn.

Most of the time, it’s just about the choices you make.

Back when KitKat and I worked together, I had a 2 p.m. pop habit. (I suppose I should explained to some of our unenlightened readers that “pop,” not “soda,” is the proper nickname for carbonated beverages like Pepsi, or in my case, Diet Coke.) Each workday at 2 p.m., I’d saunter down to the break room and stick my two quarters in our company-subsidized (boy, in those days we were livin’ large!) vending machine. You could almost set your clock by my daily pilgrimage.

diet coke imagesWhen I left that job, I was unemployed for a while and quickly got over the need for my 2 p.m. caffeine jolt. However, on my first day with my current employer, I found myself in the breakroom at 2 p.m., dollar bill in hand (no subsidized vending machine there!) and as I was about to slide my money into the slot, I asked myself, “What am I doing?” Here I had successfully broken myself of a habit that was unhealthy and I nearly resumed it based on…what? A habit? A memory? I made a conscious decision NOT to buy the pop and have consumed very little since then—about 10 cans a year vs. the previous 60 or so.

GR_headerbooksThis remembrance inspired my resolution for 2016. What could I accomplish by simply making different choices? I was reading Gretchen Rubin’s book “Better Than Before” about the process of creating and breaking habits—if you’re a self-improvement junkie it’s a must-read. Around the holidays I received her e-newsletter, which included an article about choosing a New Year’s theme instead of a resolution. This theme would consist of a word (or words) that would guide decisions for the upcoming year: “Health,” for example, or “Learn.”

As someone with new-found time on my hands after our recent downsizing, I wanted to get in touch with activities I wasn’t able to pursue when I was taking care of a house and three kids, so I originally was going to make “Discover” my theme for 2016. Then I realized that word wasn’t broad enough to encompass the other changes I wanted to incorporate into the year ahead, so I revised my theme to “Choose Different.” This has a few meanings for me: One is synonymous with “Discover”—because I still want to explore new interests. But “Choose Different” also reminds me to challenge my dysfunctional thinking patterns and alter behaviors that haven’t been serving me well.

Apple
Srsly? I chose a variation of an old Apple slogan for my New Year’s theme? How derivative!

We’re only three weeks in, but so far it’s yielding some positive results. One change I made was to force myself to be less of an introvert at work. It’s something I’ve told myself I needed to do a dozen times before, but a 360 review coupled with a tongue-lashing by a coworker friend convinced me I needed to make a change. Well, it hasn’t killed me and it IS improving some relationships at work, so I’ll keep plugging along until it feels natural. There are other examples as well, and I’m curious to see where this theme might take me in 2016. I guess that is one of the benefits of getting to 50. I can see the horizon ahead and know that even if I don’t get to my self-actualized destination overnight, I can become a better version of myself along the way…simply by making smarter choices most of the time. Are you making any changes in the new year? Please share in the comments…

A Charity Case or a Case for Charity?

On By StormyIn Attitude, Blogging, Children, Home, Parents, Work/careers2 Comments

It’s a bad sign when KitKat asks me, “…any blog ideas?” which happened just this morning. If you look back at our postings, you can see that the longer gaps between posts are when we’re waiting on KitKat. Of course, this is justifiable because she has school-age kids and other obligations that keep her very busy. I have way more time to write. Usually, KitKat’s thrilled to have the blog-ball in my court because it gives her more time to work on her next post. But even she can tell I’m in a serious drought—and when she starts gently prodding me, I know it’s time to settle on a topic and get to work.

It’s not that life has been boring. On the contrary, there have been a lot of serious issues consuming my thoughts lately. However, both KitKat and I have noticed that the more something is on our mind, the harder it is to organize our thoughts on the topic and write about it. Consequently, you’re not going to hear about my challenges with my parents (although I’m sure that will be a future topic), or my thoughts on the recent terrorist activity in Paris (my brain will never be able to organize such a cowardly, inhumane act into a coherent post).

Paris_attack
There’s plenty of fodder for a blog post in this situation, but I can’t eloquently articulate this level of evil… I don’t think anyone can.

I’ve mentioned before that I’m an introvert and the worst part about that is it it’s easy for negativity to get stuck inside my head. That’s what’s been happening lately, and I know what I need to do in order to counter that: Turn negative inward thoughts into positive outward actions.

For the last couple of years, ever since my youngest flew the nest, I’ve been aware of a lack of purpose in my life. Raising three kids has been my primary activity for the last 26 years and now that they are largely independent, I’ve felt a void. I’ve been seeking out a volunteer opportunity where I could feel like I was doing something worthwhile and after a couple of false starts, joined a program that provides mentors to unemployed/underemployed women.

My first mentee match was unusual, to say the least. I looked up my match on LinkedIn before meeting her—a native of Zimbabwe, spoke multiple languages, won several scholarships, was working on an advanced degree, had previously been Miss Africa, and had started a couple of businesses and non-profits. I met her and we had a great conversation; however, I wasn’t sure how much I could help her. She was a force to be reckoned with and it was clear she would go far in life. In fact, she made me feel a bit inadequate about my own achievements: I had done far less with far more. We tried to coordinate our mentoring sessions but she had too much going on in her life to meet with me. (She was interested in public policy and had been chosen for an internship with the United Nations—seriously!) So while I was happy to have met such an ambitious young woman, I didn’t get much personal satisfaction from “helping” her.

Enter Ellen, my second match via the mentoring program. As with my previous match, I tried looking her up on LinkedIn beforehand, but there was no profile to be found. We met at a coffee shop. I was surprised to see that she was older than me. And then she told me her story. Her first son had died quickly of a brain tumor at the age of four and that sent her into an emotional tailspin (which anyone who’s a mother can understand). She became divorced and later became pregnant and had another son. She never married the boy’s father but supported him by cleaning houses. (After losing her first child, she wanted to make sure her schedule allowed her to be there for her son, as caring for him was her top priority.) Now her son had graduated from high school and she wanted to find a better paying job with benefits so she could start saving money for retirement.

floppy-disk-iconNow here was someone I could help. We talked about how to translate the skills gained from her house-cleaning business into marketable experience—managing a staff, scheduling, selling her own cleaning products. We talked about online applicant tracking systems and how to best present your information to potential employers. (When I suggested that in addition to completing the online application, she also should attach a PDF of a nicely formatted version of her resume, she asked, “You mean put it on a floppy disk?” That’s when I knew I had my work cut out for me.)

volunteerAt our next meeting, she excitedly told me about a job interview she had the next day. I told her what I knew about the company and helped her research the position online. I gave her tips on what to do/not do during the interview and stressed the importance of sending a thank you note afterward. Driving home, I thought about how the mentor/mentee relationship was benefitting both of us. Although I have been frustrated with my job of late, from Ellen’s perspective I was living the glamorous life—a well-paying job, an experienced team, global responsibility, fulfilling work—and I was reminded how fortunate I am to have all those things.

Meanwhile, I realized that the value I was bringing to Ellen wasn’t in the employment-seeking pearls of wisdom I was bestowing on her (those could be found in any job-hunting book), but in the faith and encouragement I was bringing her: From my vantage point, she was a strong woman who had overcome a lot of challenges and was willing to work hard. I believed in her success, but she needed encouragement.

At one point she said to me, “There’s no dignity in being a housecleaner” and I immediately disagreed: “You provided for you and your son by doing honest, hard work—there’s plenty of dignity in that!” And hearing it from me, she started to believe it as well.cleaning supplies

I’m happy to report that Ellen got the job for which she was interviewing. While it’s starting at the bottom of the company and her shift begins at 3 a.m., she was thrilled to have benefits and hopes to work her way up to a customer service job with regular hours. With some help and support, I have no doubt she’ll get there.

And I gained something from the mentorship as well. I learned that getting out of my own head for a while is as restorative as any vacation—not to mention cheaper—and what I take for granted can make a difference for someone else.

Do clothes make the (wo)man? Let’s choose substance over style.

On By StormyIn Attitude, Fashion/beauty, Politics, Random, Work/careers2 Comments

I recently came across a post on Facebook that I thought was interesting. A male newscaster wore a particular blue suit for a whole year to see if viewers would notice. Apparently, his female counterparts received fashion “advice” on a regular basis and he wanted to conduct an experiment on sexism and see whether it would register with viewers that he was wearing the same suit every day. Nobody noticed. I shared this on my wall and it caught the eye of my daughter Lucky, an outspoken feminist, as well as another friend who enjoys controversial debates. His comment, “A statement of equality. No men or women noticed.”

hey-girl-feminismI laughed at Mike’s smart-ass reply, but he raised a good point. It’s true that viewers routinely critiqued the women newscasters’ clothing, hair and make-up. But guess who was dishing out the criticism? Only the women viewers.

Why do we do this to each other? I’ve confessed to being a bit of a clothes horse myself and Lord knows I’m not perfect. I’ll admit that catty judgments on newscasters’ fashion choices have crossed my lips. But to be fair, I make equal-opportunity criticisms (“He needs a haircut.” “Look at that tie!”) and I’ve never been under the delusion that my opinion on their personal style reflects their ability to report the news in any way, and it would never enter my mind to send in a letter “correcting” their choices.

One woman who has received more than her fair share of fashion critiques is also one of the most accomplished women in our country: Hillary Clinton. A couple of years back, she created a small media firestorm over the fact that she appeared in public with glasses on and minimal make-up. Really? Why do we call this news? Hillary’s response to this was right on-target:

THIS is news?
THIS is news?

“I feel so relieved to be at the stage I’m at in my life right now,” the secretary of state told CNN Foreign Affairs Correspondent Jill Dougherty in an interview. “Because you know if I want to wear my glasses I’m wearing my glasses. If I want to wear my hair back I’m pulling my hair back. You know at some point it’s just not something that deserves a lot of time and attention.”

Since Hillary will likely be a much talked about (and much criticized) figure in the upcoming US presidential race—by men and women alike—I’d like to ask something of our readers. It’s not to vote for a particular candidate… I really don’t care if you vote for Hillary or not. Politically, I sit in the middle of the spectrum, and although I consider myself a feminist, I don’t think anyone should vote for a woman for president merely because she’s a woman. What I’m asking is this: As we move forward with the 2016 campaign, whether you vote for Hillary or not, please make your choices and your criticisms based on her experience, values and politics—not her hair, clothing or make-up. Ultimately, when you reduce another woman to nothing but her fashion choices, you minimize all of us and sometimes “it takes a village” to change societal perceptions.